The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like… Read More »
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s ‘the’… Read More »
I quickly went to the store this morning, came out walking with my hands full, and there’s a police officer writing out a fine! So I walk up to the car and say, “if you want to fuck people without kissing them, you might as well just go to a hooker!” The officer is mad,… Read More »
A very old joke that still works completely… Young Johnny asks his dad how a country runs. His dad thinks and replies, “Well, it’s like this. I earn the money in the house, so I’m the rich. Your mom takes care of running the home, so she is the government. The maid is the working… Read More »
Elon Musk, The Dalai Lama, and a junkie are traveling in a small plane. Suddenly, the plane shudders and shakes, and all goes quiet. The pilot comes into the cabin and announces “We have an engine failure and are about to crash. We have only three parachutes and I’m taking one. You three sort out… Read More »
Featuring The Walking Dead’s Andrew Lincoln, Billion’s Damian Lewis, Tom Hardy, Sons of Anarchy’s Charlie Hunnam, and Sir Lawrence Cableton (“Larry the Cable Guy”). As seen in a “Selma,” “Hacksaw Ridge,” “Preacher,” “Genius,” “Cold Mountain,” “12 Years a Slave,” “I Saw the Light,” and a million other fucking examples…
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA… Read More »
Note: I’ve posted this one years ago, but it felt only right to close out the day of Mom Jokes (the glorious return) with one of my favorites. A recently-deceased senator’s soul was outside the pearly gates of heaven. A representative from Saint Peter’s office came out to greet him and explain his decision. “You… Read More »
Note: You didn’t think we could do 24 jokes in one day without at least one circumsion joke did you? A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered… Read More »