The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like…
Category: Mom Jokes
Mom Jokes: A Man Walks Into a Pharmacy…
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s ‘the’…
Mom Jokes: Smartass vs. Police Officer
I quickly went to the store this morning, came out walking with my hands full, and there’s a police officer writing out a fine! So I walk up to the car and say, “if you want to fuck people without kissing them, you might as well just go to a hooker!” The officer is mad,…
Mom Jokes: Little Johnny Learns What Makes a Country
A very old joke that still works completely… Young Johnny asks his dad how a country runs. His dad thinks and replies, “Well, it’s like this. I earn the money in the house, so I’m the rich. Your mom takes care of running the home, so she is the government. The maid is the working…
Mom Jokes: The World’s Most Important Man
Elon Musk, The Dalai Lama, and a junkie are traveling in a small plane. Suddenly, the plane shudders and shakes, and all goes quiet. The pilot comes into the cabin and announces “We have an engine failure and are about to crash. We have only three parachutes and I’m taking one. You three sort out…
Robocall from Donald Trump
When British Actors Play Southern Roles
Featuring The Walking Dead’s Andrew Lincoln, Billion’s Damian Lewis, Tom Hardy, Sons of Anarchy’s Charlie Hunnam, and Sir Lawrence Cableton (“Larry the Cable Guy”). As seen in a “Selma,” “Hacksaw Ridge,” “Preacher,” “Genius,” “Cold Mountain,” “12 Years a Slave,” “I Saw the Light,” and a million other fucking examples…
Mom Jokes: Dear Tech Support
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA…
FINAL Mom Joke (of the Day): Will the Senator Choose Heaven or Hell?
Note: I’ve posted this one years ago, but it felt only right to close out the day of Mom Jokes (the glorious return) with one of my favorites. A recently-deceased senator’s soul was outside the pearly gates of heaven. A representative from Saint Peter’s office came out to greet him and explain his decision. “You…
Mom Joke: Coping…
Note: You didn’t think we could do 24 jokes in one day without at least one circumsion joke did you? A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered…
Mom Jokes: To the Theater…
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The old man didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to…
Mom Jokes: Honky-Tonk Retribution
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 shot clip, and yelled, “Who in here has been screwing my wife?” A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, “You need more ammo.”
Mom Jokes: Diapers
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs,” “Huggies,” and “Pampers,” while undergarments for old people are called “Depends.” Well here is the low down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em, and Pamper ’em. When…