A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s ‘the’…
Tag: Mom Jokes
Mom Jokes: Smartass vs. Police Officer
I quickly went to the store this morning, came out walking with my hands full, and there’s a police officer writing out a fine! So I walk up to the car and say, “if you want to fuck people without kissing them, you might as well just go to a hooker!” The officer is mad,…
Mom Jokes: The World’s Most Important Man
Elon Musk, The Dalai Lama, and a junkie are traveling in a small plane. Suddenly, the plane shudders and shakes, and all goes quiet. The pilot comes into the cabin and announces “We have an engine failure and are about to crash. We have only three parachutes and I’m taking one. You three sort out…
FINAL Mom Joke (of the Day): Will the Senator Choose Heaven or Hell?
Note: I’ve posted this one years ago, but it felt only right to close out the day of Mom Jokes (the glorious return) with one of my favorites. A recently-deceased senator’s soul was outside the pearly gates of heaven. A representative from Saint Peter’s office came out to greet him and explain his decision. “You…
Mom Joke: Coping…
Note: You didn’t think we could do 24 jokes in one day without at least one circumsion joke did you? A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered…
Mom Jokes: To the Theater…
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The old man didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to…
Mom Jokes: Honky-Tonk Retribution
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 shot clip, and yelled, “Who in here has been screwing my wife?” A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, “You need more ammo.”
Mom Jokes: Diapers
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs,” “Huggies,” and “Pampers,” while undergarments for old people are called “Depends.” Well here is the low down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em, and Pamper ’em. When…
Mom Jokes: Marital Discord…
Bob and Susan had an argument while they were driving down a country road. After a while they got tired of repeating themselves and neither wanted to back down, so they drove along in silence. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, Susan sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?” “Yup,” Bob replied without missing…
Mom Jokes: Top Country and Western Songs of All-Time…
Top Country Songs… 10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine. 9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman; But I Woke Up With A Few. 8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me. 7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’. 6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A…
Mom Jokes: The Politician’s Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was…
Mom Jokes: You’re at Trouble at Work When…
I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN… …the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area. …my assistant began responding to my memos with, “Yeah, whatever.” …the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record. …the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my…
Mom Jokes: Aphorisms…
APHORISM: A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth. 1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 3. If you don’t have a sense of humor you…