Petty Issues: Democratic National Convention Edition

By | July 28, 2016

After Tim Kaine gave part of his VP acceptance speech in Spanish, Ann Coulter went furiously to work on her new book “How Tim Kaine Conspired with Hondurans to Ruin America! A Liberal Plot.”

Seeing every big name Democrat in the known universe give speeches at the DNC this week seems a little lop-sided with the RNC. Michelle Obama, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Bill Clinton, Warren, Bernie, Michael Bloomberg, Cory Booker, Al Franken, etc. vs. Trump’s kids, employees, and Chris Christie is like The Avengers vs. The Hamburglar. I mean, Bill Clinton is no Duck Dynasty star, but he gave a good speech.

Asshole of the Week: Nina Turner. No, you are not being “excluded” from the Democratic Convention. You are a state rep. nobody from “who gives a fuck?” The rest of the convention are huge names that everybody knows. It’s hard to tell you this tactfully, but you’re just not a big enough name, despite your best efforts to make a name during this primary season. Also, Bernie fans protesting their own candidate while he endorses Hillary are showing that it was never really about him so much as just venting their own frustrations.

Runner-Up: Trump, of course. Now that he’s gotten cozier than ever with Vladimir Putin, how does that really make Republicans—who are stuck in the 1980’s/Cold War/Reagan-era—feel? I can’t imagine it makes them less nervous about Trump.

Milestone of the Week: Today, Hillary becomes the first female Presidential nominee in American history. Meanwhile, Trump punches a pigeon that shits on his jet, calls Gandhi “a loser…sad,” and starts a twitter feud with the moon for lighting him in a bad way during a night rally.

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