Live-Blogging the VP Debate

By | October 4, 2016

This should be a real event. A boring guy with white-ish hair vs. a boring guy with very white hair…

6:00 p.m…even the pre-debate montage of these guys makes them look boring. I can almost hear the editor of this clip package “Hey guys, you can’t make a turnip sexy.”

6:05…A debate moderator I’ve never heard of is talking. Sure…whatever. They brought out the real heavy-hitters for tonight’s debate.

6:06–The raw sexual charisma of Tim Kaine vs. the razzle-dazzle of Mike Pence. God, I hope I don’t pass out from all the excitement.

6:06–Tim Kaine speaks, America sleeps.

6:07–Mike Pence speaks, good time for a bathroom break.

6:07–Tim Kaine seems to ALWAYS find a way to namedrop that he’s a missionary, that his son is in the military, and he’s a Roman Catholic. Is this guy running as a Republican or a Democrat?

6:08–Why does Mike Pence always look like he’s trying not to shit himself. Is his face clenched in pain or faux-gravitas?

6:09–Not great for Tim Kaine that Mike Pence is actually looking into the camera, but his performance so far would earn a definite “low energy” from Trump.

6:10–Somewhere Trump is screaming at a TV “low energy!”

6:11–Seriously, who the fuck is this moderator? They brought out the big names for this debate…we’ll be lucky if the janitor doesn’t come in sweeping upĀ duringĀ the damn thing.

6:12–Kaine is getting fiesty, and I like it.

6:15–“Mike Pence why do you always look like your stomach ulcers are acting up?” “Because I hate myself ma’am.”

6:18–If there ever is a War On Coal, can I enlist? I would gladly fight there instead of the Middle-East…

6:20–“Excuse me army recruiter, I’m here to apply for the War On Coal.” “Get the fuck out of here rummy.”

6:22–Mike Pence is not as good a liar as Donald Trump. He’s trying, but he doesn’t even look like he believes himself.

6:23–Mike Pence is at least half-mummy, and I’m not sure he’s capable of tears, but Joe Biden would find out if he were here.

6:26–Joe Biden somewhere “Come on Hillary, put me in! I’m ready to stripe this bitch!”

6:31–Pence “At the risk of agreeing with you.” God forbid you practice bi-partisanship. He might lose his GOP card.

6:32–Joe Biden would-be debate prep: watching Ben Affleck spank those kids in Dazed and Confused and grinning like a fool.

6:35–Mike Pence’s plan to stop police brutality: the cops can kill you before the criminals can…

6:41–This is hard to explain, but I like a blowhard bully like Trump (who wears his true colors on his sleeve) than a faux-dignified, “gentleman” fascist like Pence.

6:44–Tim Kaine lays out Trump’s immigration plan that he’s been running on for a year, and Pence calls it “non-sense.”

6:45–While Pence is talking about crime rates that make over-policing necessary, it might be helpful to know crime has gone nowhere but down in the last 25 years…

6:47–Kaine brings up Trump’s twitter war with Miss Universe. Hey, never leave money on the table. I would have done it too.

6:50–Santa Claus vs. The Mummy…discuss…

6:52–On twitter, Thanksgiving (a holiday that is 7 weeks away) is trending. Good to know Americans are taking this seriously…

6:55–Also, Joe Biden’s name is trending. I know, I’d love to see him tag-in too after watching him slice up Paul Ryan and Sarah Palin years ago.

6:56–Honestly, I don’t like Tim Kaine that much, but he seems to be beating Pence. Hell, a man with a pulse has a staggering advantage over Pence.

6:57–It’s not really a fair fight because Kaine has color in his cheeks.

7:01–Elaine Quijano is not a good moderator. She keeps interrupting and acting flustered when they actually face-off. They are VP candidates during a debate, not a rowdy preschool class.

7:02–Tim Kaine brings up Pence’s love of Vladimir Putin, and how Putin is actually a terrible leader who’s run their economy into the ground and isolated them from the world stage they were set to co-parent.

7:06–Mike Pence “when can I go put my bandages back on and lie in my tomb?”

7:12–Tim Kaine’s goal tonight: become interesting. Mike Pence’s goal tonight: get through it and go back to recliner.

7:12–Elaine Quijano’s goal tonight: treat the two most boring men in America like a rowdy preschool class.

7:16–I wish Trump would just come crashing onto the stage right now…

7:17–Trump’s baseless conspiracy theories and offensive comments are better than the sleep-inducing Pence.

7:18–I strongly prefer Trump’s outrageous comments to Pence’s more nefarious strategy of trying to put me in a coma.

7:22–The moderator is mad they aren’t answering her North Korea questions, even though there’s absolutley no reason they should. Asking a VP what they would do about North Korea is like asking a substitute teacher what they would do to redesign the SATs.

7:24–Why in the hell is she asking so many foreign policy questions? The VP’s real goal is to be the tie breaker in the senate, and push certain legislation through the senate. None of these questions have a lot to do with congress, legislation, or what bills they would like to see get a senate vote.

7:26–How do you have a VP debate and not ask a question about the Supreme Court vacancy? [Now granted I may have slept through that part.]

7:28–Arguing about abortion…for some reason.

7:31–Mike Pence literally said “You keep bringing up his Mexico comments. He also said some were good people, you keep leaving that out.” Hard to make fun of a comment that’s doing it for me.

7:33–I can see why Pence would go after The Clinton Foundation. Charity is a naturally suspicious thing for he and Trump after all.

7:35–Biggest takeaway from tonight’s debate: does Mike Pence actually know anything about Donald Trump? It seemed like he knew almost nothing about what Trump has actually said.

7:38–Chuck Todd says they both “clearly” prepped. Uhhh…did Pence though? It seems like Kaine’s prep was learning as much about what people are saying about Hillary as possible. And Pence’s debate prep was being locked in a bunker where he can’t hear Trump’s actual comments.


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