How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. What food has been scientifically proven to diminish a woman’s sex drive? A wedding cake. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care. Why is the laundry mat a bad place to pick up women? Because a woman…
Category: Mindless Mondays
Mom Jokes: Resending the Best Joke My Mom Emailed Me That Week
Employee : Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? Boss : Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? Employee : Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Boss : Yes. Employee : I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise….
Monday Morning Movie Reviewer: Hanna
So I’ve been staying at home the past few weekends instead of plunking down dollars to see Scream: 4, When Two Shitty Sequels Just Aren’t Enough or Tyler Perry’s Jesus and Biscuits. However, I did manage to see this pretty-good, vaguely Euro art house thriller that isn’t so art house. Hanna is about a young…
Entertainment Editorial: Can Nic Cage Be Helped?
Nicolas Cage hasn’t had a great year or even a great decade. It’s been years since Cage’s name has even been said in the same sentence as a hit movie and much longer since he’s been associated with a good one. He’s having major tax trouble with the IRS and engaged in some of the…
TV Review: Shark Tank and America’s Next Great Restaurant, When Reality Shows Are Useful
Today I’m resurrecting the sorely missed TV reviews to talk about the rarest of all reality show phenomenon: when a reality show is actually useful. Most reality shows are tits-on-a-mule useless with characters that don’t know anything (all the better for a not too bright audience to feel superior to them) in idiotic situations saying…
Monday Morning Movie Review: Your Highness
This could be a eulogy as much as a review as Your Highness died this past weekend, the same it was born on. The film opened in 6th place with more people going to see the sure-to-be-shitty Arthur, giving Russell Brand (also voice star of Hop) the top two films this past weekend. The apocalypse…
Monday Morning Movie Review: Source Code
The biggest problem I have with Source Code isn’t even in the movie. It’s in the other movie reviews I read for it that use this movie to launch an attack on Inception, saying both movies are convoluted and make no sense when you really think about them. As a tired defender of Inception, this…
Monday Morning Movie Review: Paul
Does anyone care about this movie anymore? I watched this thing…I guess it was almost a month ago, and at this point I’ve almost completely forgotten it. That’s too bad because I was going to give Paul a pretty good review, but now realize maybe it deserves less than that. What Works: Seth Rogen as…
Mom Jokes: Next Season on Survivor
Have you heard about the next planned “Survivor” show? Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in an elementary school classroom for 1 school year. Each business person will be provided with a copy of his/her school district’s curriculum, and a class of 20-25 students. Each class will have a minimum of five learning-disabled…
Monday Morning Movie Reviewer: Sucker Punch, the Ambitious Failure
Today on the site I bring you no less than 5 new movie reviews—and the only reason it’s not seven is I didn’t have enough time to write a review for Paul and Source Code—so I’m pretty sure that if you’re not interested in this movie review there’s something down below it you might like….
Movie Review: Battle L.A., the Unambitious Success
If there is a place in flop hell for ambitious failures then unfortunately there is also a place in box office heaven for unambitious success. Battle L.A., a reasonable hit, is proof positive of that even though there isn’t a thing new to this you haven’t seen a hundred times before. Haunted Military Hero Who…
Movie Review: The Lincoln Lawyer, the Lazy Winner
From the opening credits with a smooth Motown song playing as a Lincoln glides around the streets of LA, you can tell The Lincoln Lawyer isn’t going to reach for success, strive for ambition, unsettle you in any way, or really challenge your thinking on anything. However, it is also a pretty good movie. It’s…
Movie Review: Limitless, Slickness Over Substance
Just like The Lincoln Lawyer mainly wants to show you a good time over exploring the moral dilemma at its surface, so too Limitless is consumed with slickness over substance. The plot—a man takes a pill to make himself smarter—is the type of high concept quasi-thriller Hollywood loves to make because it’s easy to sell…