Worst…Oscars…Ever? [General thoughts about Billy Crystal, The Artist, Red Carpet, etc.]

I can’t say tonight’s show was the worst Oscar telecast but its damn sure the worst I’ve watched from start to finish. There were no good surprises (The Artist sweep), a couple bad ones (Meryl over Viola, Undefeated over Paradise Lost 3), and Billy Crystal bringing the house to a yawn with a poor performance that wasn’t so poor it was worth talking about like last year’s debacle with James Franco/Anne Hathaway. Below, some general thoughts…

1. The Red Carpet: This is never an interesting part of the show for me. There are some that really enjoy seeing what celebrities wear on the Oscar carpet and then there are heterosexual men. The Oscars are too conservative to let a woman look so good I want to see her dress, and the pre-show Oscars where some vapid, chirpy automaton asks questions about what celebrities are wearing is deathly boring. Luckily, tonight’s red carpet had one genuine surprise and it had nothing to do with what any of the women wear wearing—-the fashion was too straightforward to be interesting and felt too safe—-but was instead when Sacha Baron Cohen spilled Kim Jong Ill’s ashes all over metrosexual robot Ryan Seacrest. For his part, Seacrest didn’t look like he had any sense of humor about it, which definitely made it even funnier.

2. The Hosting: Billy sucked. I’m sorry, and I know others will disagree but he did. It felt like the same hosting duties we’ve seen him do eight other times and I was desperate for him to change it up in ANY way. The worst part is that he wasn’t so bad he was interesting like last year’s duo of Anne Hathaway and James Franco. Franco looked like he’d just snorted heroin before the show and Hathaway was so desperate for people to like her she practically humped the stage. People hated it but they talked about it, and I don’t think anyone will be talking about Crystal in a week’s time. His jokes were old, his song and dance off key, everything had a warmed over feel that didn’t feel specific enough to this year’s movies, and I hope this is the final time he hosts. Bring back Jon Stewart or, even better, let Conan O’Brien host for the first time.

3. The “Surprises”: In my opinion, there were only two real surprises tonight (and it’s the ones I got wrong since my predictions last week) and that was Undefeated winning best documentary over Paradise Lost 3 and Meryl Streep besting Viola Davis for Best actress, even if I admitted there was a good chance she could do that. The problem for me is that these “surprises” feel completely unearned. Everyone knows Viola was robbed–Meryl seemed to somewhat acknowledge this in her speech even if she did come off as arrogant by brushing off this criticism and not mentioning her former Doubt co-star–but I think we’ll see Viola come back to the Oscar stage again. I feel confident that this performance, her first EVER lead role and it really wasn’t the sole lead of that movie, will open the door to better things.

However, there’s no doubt in my mind that Undefeated is not as good a film as Paradise Lost 3. Having seen both—-and there will be a review later today of Undefeated—-I can say that Paradise Lost 3 is a satisfying conclusion to perhaps the greatest documentary trilogy ever and the model for today’s advocacy-docs but Undefeated is merely a pretty good but phony sports doc without any real message for the future.

4. The Predictables: What can somebody say about The Artist sweeping Best Actor, Best Director, Best Picture? Seriously, I’m asking, because I think the Academy made a real mistake and it will be one of those embarrassing decisions they look back in ten years saying “How did this happen?” Just like nobody thinks that Shakespeare in Love should have beat Saving Private Ryan or Crash should have beat Brokeback Mountain (unless you’re a big homophobe), there won’t be anybody that truly thinks The Artist was the best film of the year and honestly has an edge on Tree of Life.

5. Worst Ever: Some will claim this is the worst telecast ever…and if they don’t, I will. Bad host, bad picks, boring fashion, a good but totally unauthorized visit by Sacha Baron Cohen that the Academy tried every way in the world to keep from happening, and I doubt anyone can say they were truly entertained by the telecast. People have been arguing that more movies like The Dark Knight should be considered to increase ratings but that’s wrong. A better telecast should be considered to increase ratings. I don’t watch to see my favorites picked—-I know they won’t be—-but I would like a little comedy, less useless montages, and actually letting the people accepting the awards, you know, give a speech.

The most infuriating thing tonight was when the “famous” presenter got more time to introduce the award than the winner got to make a speech with. I don’t get how they have time to let the producer of the show come out to pat himself on the back congratulating everyone (one of Crystal’s few good jokes tonight was saying “Thank you for whipping the crowd into a frenzy” sarcastically) but they can’t let Octavia Spencer or the Undefeated crew give a speech longer than 30 seconds.