Last week, Mitt Romney said corporations are people. So this week I decide to formally declare myself a corporation. I will now be known as Brody Incorporated.
I will pay no taxes. Particularly if I have a very rich year as the more I make, the less I pay. I will actually be GIVEN corporate welfare by the federal government, I mean, “job creating subsidies.” I will use those subsidies to donate massive campaign contributions to politicians that will do whatever I tell them, and in return they will pass more laws that allow me to do whatever I want.
The most important aspect of Brody Incorporated is that I will never be held responsible for my own actions. I can break any laws that I want to and pay a small fine, but never too much. Unlike human beings–who are given lethal injection for killing people–I can kill as many people as I want to, whether it’s dumping gallons of toxic sludge into your drinking water or pumping unsafe hormones into your food supply.
Oh sure, you CAN sue me if you want to, but you’ll lose. You’ll lose because the judge I gave campaign contributions to won’t rule in your favor. If a jury sides with you over me–and only if I haven’t bankrupted you by dragging the case out for as long as possible, so provided you can even afford to go to trial–and awards you a big settlement, the judge will strike it down to an insignificant amount for a billion dollar corporation like me. If by some miracle you’ve received a judge that does side with you, and provided you don’t live in a state with no “tort reform” that caps the amount of money you can receive, then I will take the verdict to an appeals court where you will most likely not receive two honest judges in a row.
So I’m excited about becoming a corporation. I’m thrilled to make unlimited profits, pay record low taxes on it, and hoard all that money for whatever I want to use it for like my other corporations who are sitting on almost 3 trillion while 10 percent of this country is out of work. And I’m downright salivating at outsourcing any jobs I can to drive wages down or poisoning the ground that’s left behind. After all, I’m a corporation now, and the rules…well, they really don’t apply to me.