TV Review: Shark Tank and America’s Next Great Restaurant, When Reality Shows Are Useful

Today I’m resurrecting the sorely missed TV reviews to talk about the rarest of all reality show phenomenon: when a reality show is actually useful. Most reality shows are tits-on-a-mule useless with characters that don’t know anything (all the better for a not too bright audience to feel superior to them) in idiotic situations saying things you might actually lose brain cells listening to. So Shark Tank—where entrepreneurs pitch their businesses to real life investors in hopes of selling part of their company—and America’s Next Great Restaurant—where hopeless contestants fight over who gets to open a restaurant with four mega douche judges—really stand out as helpful and not so helpful guides to starting a business.

First up I want to talk about the much better show: Shark Tank. Shark Tank is excellent in that you are actually learning something with each episode—I can’t really say that about even the best episodes of personal favorites like Justified or Breaking Bad—and it’s extremely helpful to know what investors are looking for if you’re thinking of opening your own business or ever wanted to. Learning the ins and outs of what makes some businesses attractive to investors and what makes them take a pass (from givens like high overhead and low sales to lesser known things like if you’ve ever filed for bankruptcy before).

After each episode you feel like you’re just a little bit better at business than you were when you went in. And the show is, after all, called Shark Tank so don’t expect the investors to cut you a good deal. They have royally ripped off some of the contestants that have gone on there, and it’s a credit to the show that I’m now better at spotting a truly awful deal. When’s the last time one of the Kardashian bimbos actually showed you how to keep from getting swindled on a royalty deal?

Then there is Shark Tank’s polar opposite: America’s Next Great Restaurant which is helpful only in showing you what NOT to do when running a business. The main problem with this show is the four judges. All of them are professional chefs and seem to be much more interested in being food snobs than actual investors looking for how to make a profitable restaurant. Week after week we see them send home contestants for horseshit like undercooked chicken or using cabbage that doesn’t taste fresh enough or having a hamburger with too many calories (we are talking about AMERICA’S next great restaurant, the fattest country in the world here), instead of actually getting out a pen and paper and crunching some numbers.

This show is a handy how to guide about what not to do if you’re thinking of investing in a restaurant. They seem to pay no attention to basic things like food costs, menu pricing, revenue, how much each restaurant makes each week, and most importantly which restaurant hasn’t won a sales task (the judges have put extra focus on two restaurants that seemingly nobody but them wants to eat at, ignoring the fact that these two haven’t won a single sales contest). Also it’s a pretty poor example of a reality show as every time we really cozy up to a contestant or they are shown to be the slightest bit funny, the judges send them home that very week.

All in all, I would say watch both, but only take notes during one of them. Shark Tank is the clear winner here in both entertainment value and taking you to business school.

Supporting Scene Stealer: It’s hard to say on America’s Next Great Restaurant as they axe likable contestants and none of the judges are remotely interesting (Steve Ells particularly looks like a freak show cross between The Riddler and Tim Gunn). But on Shark Tank I really enjoyed the week Mark Cuban stopped by, and think the show could use some of his loose energy on a more regular basis. Of the people on there every week, sleazy Kevin O’Leary teaches me the most about how to avoid a bad deal.