The Fast Food Critic’s Love/Hate Relationship with Chick-Fil-A

By | May 4, 2016


Chick-Fil-A: come for the chicken, don’t come back for the politics.

In these surreally-partisan political times, even food has taken on an unfortunately polarizing nature. Your red states have a litany of fried chicken places and (inexplicably) conservative pizza chains like Papa John’s. Your blue states have Whole Foods and pretending Shake Shack is healthy.

No other food chain exemplifies that divide better than Chick-Fil-A, a company with despicable politics but delectable food. As if unhealthy food wasn’t a guilty enough pleasure, Chick-Fil-A forces you to acknowledge that the money paying for said food is probably working to shut down a gay wedding before you’ve finished your sandwich. On an anecdotal note: there’s also something vaguely cult-ish about the employees at most Chick-Fil-A locations, like they wish you’d hurry up and order so they can get to the real business of asking you to join their church group. Although compared to the malcontents over at McDonalds, this might not be the worst thing.

While You’re Eating It: Chick-Fil-A has chicken (nuggets), chicken (strips), and more chicken (chicken salad sandwich), but most people will probably just get their chicken sandwiches (spicy or regular), waffle fries, and perhaps a milkshake or frozen lemonade/coffee (which are unfortunately delicious). Sometimes, the waffle fries are too stale, but when they’re soft and warm, nothing beats them. The sandwiches are actually the best chicken sandwich in fast food. And yes, I hate myself for saying that. I also hate myself for getting a spicy one and stacking it on top of a regular one.

After You’re Done: All the typical fast-food feelings like bloating and self-loathing, but none of that is new. What might be new is the realization that you just ate at a place that closes on Sunday, presumably so their employees can protest abortion clinics.

Impotence Level: “Chick-Fil-A is salty, ain’t nothing truer than that”–A catchphrase I’m trying to coin. But don’t worry, the chain discourages “the dirty business” anyway, so you won’t be violating the laws of your new Church of the Shining Chicken or The Order of Anti-Fag Fries.

Heart Attack Level: I’ll say a 3 out of 5. Chick-Fil-A is certainly no more unhealthy than any other abomination with a drive-thru window, which is a clear violation of God’s laws that you should have to get your ass out of the car to get fatter. [See what I did there, abomination reference?] Fun fact: while the drive-thru lines at most Chick-Fil-A’s are ten cars deep, you can order relatively quickly inside…if you feel like washing the Jehovah’s Witness-esque smell off your clothes.

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