Note: This isn’t from a chain, and I can’t really even remember the name of the place I tried it from. Needless to say, it might be hard to find if you actually live in Alabama, although I suspect this pizza would be really popular there, it’s carbs on carbs on carbs.
“The Baked Potato Pizza” is what this is actually called but that sounds misleading since it’s actually mashed potatoes that make up the key ingredient. Here’s what this pizza contains: buttery mashed potatoes (instead of marinara sauce), cheddar cheese, bacon, sour cream, and (what the fuck?) broccoli just to say the pizza is “healthy” lol. This thing has approximately 10 tons of calories, and is pretty much the Nightmare poster for the Adkins diet.
While You’re Eating It: Honestly, this pizza sounded better in theory than in practice, and isn’t especially fun while you’re eating it either. Since it’s soooooo heavy (I repeat, the sauce is mashed potatoes) it’s really more of an endurance test than a meal. Drop ten of these pizzas into Somalia, and the starvation problem will be over for a month.
After You’re Done: After I was done, I felt I had the physical dimensions of the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters, or, even worse, Rush Limbaugh. I wasn’t physically a hundred pounds heavier, but gravity was a bitch for the rest of that night, making it hard for me to let myself up a staircase. Don’t eat this while attempting to do…well, anything except for maybe taking a nap or moaning at the walls for five hours about how full you are.
Impotence Level: It’s not that this thing has sodium (although it certainly does, it’s fucking pizza) so much as it turns the inside of your stomach into a bank vault for 12 hours. You’ll be lucky to breathe, let alone even think anything arousing.
Heart Attack Level (from 1 to 5): 4…Reasons? See ingredients.
Marijuana sauce? Only Washington and Colorado.