So earlier in the year, Burger King—-in an effort to stop sliding sales—-momentarily stopped focusing on calorie bomb foods for young men trying to get over a hangover and actually tried to court eaters that don’t want a weekend’s worth of calories in one meal by rolling out some fresh fruit smoothies and salads and zzzzzzz, sorry, almost fell asleep there. Anyway, they launched products that pretended to be healthy and had David Beckham and Salma Hayek slum it in some commercials, and all seemed to be on the right track.
Except, their sales plummeted even further. It turns out that the type of people who might eat a salad for lunch or want a smoothie after a workout, probably aren’t keen on getting it at the Burger King drive-thru, and the result was a brand that totally forgot who their actual customer was. See, it will never matter how many steps in the right direction Burger King takes, it will always be “Burger King,” the place your new girlfriend will never want to be taken or your longtime wife doesn’t want you eating at. No amount of window dressing is going to fix the snob-factor people have in dumping on the BK, so why not head in the right direction by embracing your wrong direction? You are Burger King, one of the most despicable places to get a meal on this planet, and they finally seem to be okay with that.
So the other day I “treated” myself to a Bacon Sundae, and—-although disgusting—-I think it packs just the right amount of totally over-the-top, addictive salt and sugar that BK’s users are craving. You see it’s no longer enough to merely have an unholy amount of addictive sugar in a product, no, no, now you have to have a shit-ton of salt in there too. Fast Food restaurants operate on the S & S principal (Salt and sugar…in everything) and now BK has taken the next logical step by combining the two into an abomination of a sundae that has a certain evil genius quality to it.
What It Tastes Like While You’re Eating It: Digusting…wait, the ice cream’s pretty good…no, wait, it’s nasty again…hold on, the salt and the sugar clash at first but mix together really nicely…and now it’s disgusting again…I think I’ll go get another one.
What It Tastes Like After You’re Done: Did I really just eat that? Get your life together Brody.
Impotence Level: Although the ice cream and sugar counteracts the normal impotence-inducing salt, I can’t imagine a woman would want to touch you after just eating a bacon sundae. It’s best to give it a twelve hour window.
Heart Attack Level (on a scale of 1 to 5): 4.5, so very, very close to a perfect heart attack maker. I have rarely given out much higher than a 3, but if ever something deserved to get it, it is this thing which seems as though literally designed by the North Koreans to give us a heart attack.
WTF????Bacon Sundae???