The Fast Food Critic: Taco Bell, What’s in the Beef?

A few decades ago Dave Thomas of Wendy’s fame starred in commercials not just to unnerve us with his resemblance to a sex offender, but to ask his fast food competition “Where’s the beef?” Of course Dave later died of a heart attack from asking that question one too many times while gorging Wendy’s triple stacker beef burgers, but it was a good question. The question for Taco Bell—who have notoriously poor meat quality—might be the more Soylent Green-esque “What’s in the Beef?”

Taco Bell has been accused of not using real meat in their products, of rat droppings falling into the refried bean paste in a few locations, and now I’d like to accuse them of using people in their meat! If only because it’s untrue and that would actually be more appealing, to me, than rat droppings which is true.

So today I’m reviewing their new “quad” steak burrito which supposedly has FOUR times the meat of a regular burrito which gives them four times the chances to get it wrong.

While I’m Eating It: I feel nothing. Not excitement, not angry, not thrilled or aroused in any way. Either they’ve ground up Prozac to put in this thing or I am eating the too-common fast food that is not only unhealthy but also doesn’t taste that great. If you’re trading off years of your life, you’d better be getting something engineered in a lab to taste good damnit!

After I’m Done: If I could still feel anything, I might cry. This thing will leave you feeling major depressed after you’re done…and I don’t even think mine had any rat droppings.

Impotence Level: 3…on a scale of 1 to 3.

Heart Attack Level on a scale of 1 to 5: Well I was going to say 2 but since it has FOUR times the “steak” I’m going to say 8. Of course after eating this my brain was so foggy I could barely to do basic math.