The Fast Food Critic: Reviewing The Cheesecake Factory’s Fried Macaroni Burger

The long-awaited return of The Fast Food Critic brings out the culinary “style” with an actual sit-down restaurant. But, as with all of Fat Ass America’s favorite sit-down restaurants, you can still eat like obesity’s going out of style. See, The Cheesecake Factory may be a faux-classy chain restaurant with an “upscale” decorum, but it is also routinely ranked as one of the least healthy restaurants in America, and called out for calorie-bomb dishes like the one I was….uhhhh….adventurous enough to partake in recently. And that’s the infamous Fried Macaroni and Cheese Burger (I’m assuming there’s some kind of diabetes trademark that comes after that title).

For those that don’t know this is a good sized beef burger with a second patty consisting of fried mac and cheese on top of it.

What it Feels like While You’re Eating it: Your brain goes on autopilot as all of those bad things done right swirl together in a heat of lard-ass ecstasy: red meat, melted cheese, buttered bread, frrrrrrrried macaroni and cheese (which is essentially just really unhealthy, cheese covered pasta), oh yeah baby, say my name, carbs, carbs, carbs…

After You’re Done: Between the burger itself, the salty fries (which taste like they were recycled from McDonald’s), and the buttered bread they serve you before your entree arrives (which is actually quite nice) you will be more carbs than man by the time you leave, a weird hybrid of dilapidated muscles, bulging belly, and wobbly legs. You rise from your two-person half-table like a swamp beast after grazing on a live animal, and you stumble out to your car uncertain you can drive home without passing out.

Impotence Level: Your stomach is a full two feet out in front of your genitals, so you aren’t thinking much about sex or kissing or even breathing by that point.

Heart Attack Level (on a scale of 1 to 5): 5…I never give out this rating but this is pretty much the exact meal they would feed a death row inmate, and they might not have to bother with the needles after he’s done.