Today’s review was supposed to be about how foods you think of as healthy can be deceptive, because Subway has centered their entire brand around the idea that lard asses can lose weight by eating food measured in feet. I deliberately picked what might be the unhealthiest sub on their menu to review, The Chicken Bacon Ranch Foot Long Sub (which establishes my rule of not ordering a sentence long sandwich). However, the Gods of fast food fate had other plans for me. It turns out they were angry with me smiting them in a weekly feature, and decided to humble me in the form of food poisoning.
I’m not saying it was definitely the sandwich that did it (stomach flu has been going around) or that even if it did, a newer, more sanitary Subway location—where the employees aren’t chain smoking hags coughing all over the pickles—NOT in the back of a gas station wouldn’t have helped. I’m not even going to rule out the combination of toppings I had put on the sandwich didn’t contribute (including Italian bread lightly toasted, chicken, bacon, ranch, pickles, tomatoes, extra pickles, black olives, please put some more pickles on pretty please, pepper, for the love of God lady why are you being so damn stingy with the pickles?) to my gastric meltdown.
I just know that whatever did cause it should let me know so I make sure not to piss it off again.
While You’re Eating It: The subtle realization pickles and ranch dressing really suck mixed with melted cheese, bacon, and chicken. A sneeze was the only way I could even taste the pepper.
After Effects: Griping a toilet bowl like a saddle while the internal punches your stomach delivers to itself makes you speak in tongues, cursing like a voice message from Mel Gibson
Impotence Level: I have no idea, after six hours on the toilet sex isn’t so much on your mind as the hope you’ll pass out.
Heart Attacks on a scale of 1 to 5 heart attacks: 2
Definitely had to have been the location. I have had it a couple of times at a real subway, and thought it was great both times. I usually get it without the ranch though.
i luv dem subwayz out da gaz sattion whatchu talkin bout alabama liberal?
You need help dude. Too funny.
Subway has some good buys right now but if you get the wrong sandwich or store……you could get some bad stuff.
Hey dude! You kill me. I have been at that very subway and almost died. But you go back…..what is that anyway.
trying to find you on facebook
Hello. fantastic job. I did not expect this. This is a fantastic story. Thanks!