Red State Vs. Blue State: New York Conservative Vs. Alabama Liberal

By | August 16, 2011

The tables are flipped today. Instead of going after the usual targets of massively delusional rednecks, housewives, gun nuts, and other red state staples, I get to challenge a New York Republican. In all likelihood, he’s someone that should probably be liberal to properly into stereotypes, just as I should probably be conservative to fit into Alabama better. Of course, he’s rich and I’m poor so it looks like we’re actually voting what makes sense.

Alabama Liberal: Thanks for coming on.

New York Conservative: No problem. Shoot.

AL: If you were an Alabama conservative, you would probably mean shoot literally.

NYC: [Laughs] Maybe. New York frowns on owning a gun though.

AL: So you don’t shoot, you don’t seem to have any issues with black people, and I’ve never seen you hit gay people. So why are you a conservative anyway?

NYC: In a word, money. Democrats want to tax their way out of everything, and raise my taxes higher than makes any sense to do it.

AL: In a word, bored. It all just boils down to bean counting and tax loopholes? Aren’t you taking all the fun out of being selfish? Hoarding money can’t be as satisfying as going deer hunting drunk off your ass or “whooping ass” at a WWF rally.

NYC: It’s not selfish to want to hang onto all the money I’m earning. I work, I deserve the money I get for working. I don’t know if it’s fun to or not, but it is right to be able to actually earn money.

AL: Schoolteachers, firemen, cops, and other government jobs also deserve to get paid for work they do. They can’t do it if people like you don’t pay any taxes.

NYC: That’s a different situation–

AL: It’s not different, it’s exactly the same thing. They want to get paid for work done–

NYC: It’s different in that I’m forced to pay their salaries whether I use their services or not. No one forces you to pay the salary of someone working at Goldman Sachs if you’d rather invest your money elsewhere.

AL: What the fuck are you talking about? If you get shot, you’re going to “choose” to call a private company like Dominoes instead of a cop? You’ll order a pizza instead of police protection? It’s a terrible analogy because there’s no one else you can call.

NYC: Exactly, in a way you’ve made my point.

AL: By saying I think it’s bogus?

NYC: By making the case for why there should be competition. I may not use public schools at all but I have to pay into that system? I don’t have kids, but I will send them to a private school when I do, why should I have to pay for public schools when I don’t use them?

AL: Is it hard to get money to have sex with you? Is that why you don’t have kids?

NYC: What?

AL: Nothing. I think you pay for public school teacher’s salaries–whether you use them or not–for the same reason you pay firemen, cops, government roads, subway systems, etc. Because if you don’t, the system will collapse. You can’t live in a bubble and say “Oh, I drive a car, I don’t need the subway. I use private schools, I don’t need public schools. I live in a fireproof house, I don’t need firemen.” It doesn’t work that way.

YOU live in a first world country that’s industrialized. If that system breaks down, society breaks down, and you live in Somalia instead of America. Public education and an educated lower and middle class that can’t afford private schools is crucial to hanging onto to SOME kind of semblance of a first world country. To think otherwise is extremely selfish.

NYC: So if I don’t need Medicare and therefore don’t want to pay into something I’ll never use that isn’t essential, I’m selfish? That’s garbage.

AL: [At this point I realize this is the first fool, I mean, “alternate viewpoint” I’ve been able to talk into debating me in a month. I decide to cool it down a little bit.] So what do you make of all this rain New York’s been getting?

NYC: It’s crazy. Parts of New York are flooded, I know a guy that–

AL: So why are you such a fucking Scrooge about paying for the less fortunate’s healthcare?

NYC: Because everyone makes their own choices, and I shouldn’t be punished for my successful ones. I feel for them but you can’t force someone else to pay their way through life. They could have invested a little better or worked a little harder–

AL: Don’t give me that bullshit! People are born into a good situation, and then they say “Everyone has the same opportunities,” like it’s really true that Trailer Park Travis is working less hard than JP-Morgan-Josh and that’s why he never left the trailer park and why Josh was able to stay on Park Avenue.

NYC: I think we’re going to have to wrap this up. I really…I’m not sure we’re accomplishing anything.

AL: That doesn’t stop anyone else from talking politics. Can you at least admit that people like you control the Republican Party but social conservatives that are dirt poor are just used to win elections? That you really don’t care about them and their social issues?

NYC: I think this idea people have about Republican voters is wrong. They think that all these people thinking anyone who hates Obama is a racist but that ignores the man’s bad policies.

AL: You ever been to Alabama my friend?

NYC: No.

AL: Well…maybe you should leave New York every once and a while. You might learn something about Republican voters.

One thought on “Red State Vs. Blue State: New York Conservative Vs. Alabama Liberal

  1. Steven

    I feel for you. It’s tough to get neo-fascists to agree to any kind of dialogue.

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