Red State Vs. Blue State: AL Vs. The Evil Russian Challenger, Eat Your Heart out Rocky IV

Today I debate a Russian Spy, I mean, a nice young man (Artem Joukov) who immigrated to America when he was three but somehow fell in with a bad crowd of strict Christian conservatives

Brody: Hi, thanks for coming on the site. It’s great to have an old friend like this.

Artem: It is good to be here!

Brody: So what’s your beef with the USA you piece of commie shit?

Artem: I am a citizen of this country and like to think I’m a patriot, but there are a few things I would have changed…

Brody: Is it somewhat disparaging that Russia was once this really big rival and now they are more or less the organized crime capital of the world? Certainly the money laundering capital of the world, the black and white economies meet there for brunch every day.

Artem: I hear you, there is a lot of corruption in Russia, but I am more disappointed that my home country could not be the democratic ally of the United States after its “bloodless revolution” in the late 80s and early 90s. There was a lot of hope at that time for cooperation, but that hope has waned.

Brody: Now it is just a great place to go if you have a sex trafficking ring you’d like to clean the profits of. After the global financial crisis, some banks in Western Europe couldn’t have survived without massive cash from the Russian mob that needed cleaning. These guys are ruthless, have lots of beautiful women they treat like furniture, and lots of cash. So why are you a Christian again?

Artem: Those are all sad truths, but I think it is important to keep in mind that the few mobsters do not represent the many people of Russia any more than a few Islamic extremists represent the whole religion of Islam. I am Christian because I came to believe in God and am thoroughly convinced of His existence.

Brody: When you see an attack like the one on a Moscow airport a few weeks ago, does it make you think–as it does me–that we should leave Iraq and Afghanistan immediately because Muslim terrorists can be fought anywhere? It’s a CIA problem that the Army is fighting.

Artem: Well, not exactly. I think that Russia’s terrorist attack does not have immediate connections to American actions in Afghanistan and Iraq. Rather, it is caused by Russian actions in Georgia and Chechnya. As for America, I believe the kind of withdrawals you speak of would destabilize the regions of Iraq and Afghanistan to such an extent that it would be simply irresponsible to leave.

Brody: Russian men are known for being unemotional and strong, when you see the leader of your party–John Boehner–blubbering every time someone says the words “American flag” do you think “Please stop crying?”

Artem: [Laughter] I should warn you that I only agree with the Republicans on some issues. Crying so often is not one of them. :)

Brody: You are a strong opponent of abortion and assisted suicide, but isn’t Sarah Palin proof positive euthanasia isn’t always a bad course of action?

Artem: Believe it or not, she isn’t. We as a society cannot begin to end the lives of our weak, our old, and our young just because they become an “inconvenience.” Over 95% of abortions are performed for this reason. Very few are performed due to rape or medical complications. This simply must stop. How can we look to the Middle East and say: “It is detestable that you deny your women basic rights?” The people in the Middle East will reply: “How can you kill your infants? Is this not worse?”

Brody: But the right to choose is a woman’s right. You can’t take that away and then lecture the Middle East on their treatment of women.

Artem: Our rights to our own bodies end when they begin to infringe upon the rights of others. I can swing my arms up and down all I want, but if I do it on a crowded bus and begin to hit people, I will be thrown out. This is the same here. The woman has the right to her body in general, but she does not have the right to put the human being inside her to death.

Brody: A landlord has the right to throw out a tenant they don’t want though.

Artem: Sure enough, but not if the landlord has signed a contract that explicitly binds them to house the said tenant no matter what. Naturally, this is what the woman is doing when she engages in sex.

Brody: No, but I’m going to use a sex contract as an awkward segue-way into talking about marriage, which may be just that. Why can’t homosexuals also exchange tax benefits for a lackluster sex life and get married?

Artem: Perhaps one reason is that they cannot produce children. I know this is getting really basic, but children are essential to the survival of any country. Furthermore, it is considered immoral by much of the American citizenry. Also, this is simply not what the word “marriage” has ever meant.

Brody: Alright, but hopefully in a few weeks I can get my friend to come on and talk about being gay in the South. His life hasn’t been easy.

Artem: Maybe so, but I do not think that there is any reason to grant a person the right to marry another man simply on the pretext that he has had some tough breaks….

Brody: I think you do it because it makes two people happy and it doesn’t hurt you. Eating a hamburger is more harmful to the traditional family, but kids are encouraged to eat happy meals.

Artem: They are encouraged by McDonald’s to eat happy meals, not by people like Michelle Obama I might add. However, I do believe it is harmful to me and the society in general. Some things are evil not because of their immediate impact but because of the kind of influence they exert. Homosexual marriage would mean a deviation from God, which I believe can lead to no good end.

Brody: I remember one time a complete idiot accused you of being on steroids because she herself couldn’t see her toes and you had abs. In a country that is a quarter obese, would you like to see unhealthy food advertised less? I can’t turn on the TV without being bombarded with commercials of a guy practically having an orgasm while eating a McRib.

Artem: As a person who enjoys fast food, I don’t think I would really. The truth is that I eat fast food every day. The reason I am not significantly overweight is because I try to stay relatively active.

Brody: But you always take a really hard line against drugs, but the sugar, salt, and trans fat in most of the food advertised to kids are just as addictive. It’s the food equivalent of Meth. Good meth too, not bathtub blue ice.

Artem: No, because Meth is physically addicting while hamburgers are not. I do believe in drug control, but that is because most drugs cannot be used for good. Hamburgers can be used for protein and necessary carbohydrates in the body.

Brody: As an immigrant yourself, how much fear of illegal Mexicans is justified and how much is racism? Would we really be that worried about it if it was 6 foot tall, blue eyed Czech girls?

Artem: I think if they were the girls you mentioned, some of us would be less worried and quicker to throw out green cards. On the other hand, I believe that it is important that immigrants wait to come into this country legally. This way, they will not be exploited by those seeking to pay them next to nothing, and the American government will not have to spend thousands to send them back to Mexico once caught.

Brody: Lastly, I once wrote a screenplay about a Russian spy brought to America undercover as a conservative, flag waving patriot. I stole it from your life story but the movie Salt stole it from me. How outraged should we be?

Artem: Frankly, I think we should do what any good American would: take them to court and hope for the best!

On that note I ended my debate with the wily Russian and his deep knowledge of trickery. You might think “Well, he seemed nice enough,” but don’t be fooled. Just as surely as Dolph Lundren didn’t die after fighting Rocky, Artem will be back.