Ranking the Breaking Bad Criminals from Dumbest to Smartest #breakingbad

By | October 1, 2013

One good way to deal with Breaking Bad Withdrawal (surely as real as any crystal meth addiction) is to make up trivial lists and rankings. And that’s exactly what I’m about to do! I’m ranking the intelligence of all the criminals on the show!

I would put it from LEAST intelligent to MOST intelligent and it goes something like this…

[There are technically 40 characters here but a couple of them are sharing a number.]
38. Tomas

37. Wendy

36. Tuco’s employee that he beats to death in the scrap yard

34/35. The two gang bangers that Walter ran over

33. Tuco

32. Tuco’s Uncle Tio Salamanca

31. The Cousins (how could I possible separate them? It’s only fitting that they share a number)

30. Tuco’s brother-in-law

29. Don Eladio

28. Todd (such a poor chemistry student he cannot get Mr. White’s recipe right after dozens of cooks)

27. Emilio

26. Huell

25. Ted Beneke

24. Gus’ partner Max (a naive guy in over his head)

23. Skinny Pete

22. Badger/Combo (it just feels right to make them share a number…and to rank them a hair higher than Skinny Pete)

21. Victor

20. Jesse

19. Uncle Jack’s right-hand man

18. Declan

17. Crazy 8

16. Marie (it’s not that Marie is dumb, she’s just not going to win Jeopardy anytime soon)

15. Jane

14. Gale (not street-smart at all and perhaps not as book smart as we might think)

13. Tyrese (more capable than Victor, less so than Mike)

12. Juan Balsa (he’s higher than the rest of the cartel because he seems to be smarter than most of them)

11. Uncle Jack (I doubt he has more than a 10th grade education, but the way he looks at people is like he’s seeing right through them, smart the way a rattlesnake is until he underestimates Walt–the way everyone does)

10. The guy that runs the scrap yard (sure, he only makes two appearances but he seems to have it all figured out and a surprisingly good grasp of constitutional law)

9. Skyler

8. Saul’s guy Patrick (an ex-cop and con man has to be a little smarter than most)

7. Mike (a very capable guy that isn’t really cut out to be a boss which is why he keeps getting blind-sided by betrayal of “his guys” in season 5A)

6. Lydia (Book smart and will say anything to stay alive, the closest we’ve seen to a female version of Walter)

4. and 5. Jim Beaver’s illegal gun salesman AND Robert Forrester’s Disappearance Man (two old-timers that focus on one very specific thing and are really good at it, they’ve been doing it forever and haven’t been caught yet, are very cautious)

3. Saul (A lot of people think he’s a clown, but Saul’s the only character on the show who got to keep breathing by the end AND the lion’s share of his money…Usually has a way out of any situation)

2. Gus

1. Walter (The perfect combination of book smarts and street smarts. I know he made some mistakes but keep in mind that all of Walter’s criminal activity was in the course of only two years. That’s a pretty steep learning curve for a 50 year old man, but he pulled it off. A lot of his solutions out of tight problems are nothing short of brilliant.)

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