Petty Issues: Top 5 “Everyday Assholes”

Usually, I like to pick out obnoxious celebrities or politicians of the week and talk about them. But this week it struck me how little I’ve picked on someone I like to call “The Everyday Asshole.” So today I present the Top 5 Biggest Assholes that most of us run into in real life.

5. The Asshole Who Talks At the Book Store or Library: We all know this person. It’s the Asshole who gets a call at Barnes and Noble or the library and not only takes it, but forgets to NOT PROJECT THEIR VOICE OFF THE WALL. This person talks so loudly they seemingly have no idea that everyone can hear their conversation and most people who read books are too nice (or introverted) to say anything to them. [Coincidentally, this person probably isn’t reading a book at Barnes and Noble, so much as reading a shitty Magazine and sitting in the book reader’s section.] I feel like these people got shamed out of loudly talking at movie theaters and went underground into less-aggressive book stores.

4. The Asshole Who “Saves” Empty Seats at a Crowded Movie Theater: This is the asshole who puts their coat over the seat next to them at the movie theater so no one can sit there…even though the theater is clearly sold out and every seat will have to have a body in it. No one is really coming to sit there (or if they are, they’re twenty minutes late and shouldn’t come at all) but this Asshole doesn’t care if you sit in the floor as long as they have an empty seat next to them to put their coat on.

3. The Asshole Who Urinates on Men’s Public Bathroom Seats: This entire list are uni-sex assholes (I bet you thought Asshole meant “guy” didn’t you, nope, women can be assholes too) except for this one. This is the guy who somehow gets to every public bathroom before I do and seemingly does a sprinkler system with his urine so that the walls, floor, bathroom seat, and even ceiling look like an all yellow Jackson Pollack painting. Related Asshole: The guy who potty trains his son in public bathrooms so that he doesn’t have to clean up the mess at home but whether a grown man is pissing everywhere or a child is makes no difference.

2. The Internet Comment’s Section Asshole and The Over the Phone Asshole: One of these people has a job where they do nothing but answer your Time Warner or Charter or Sprint customer complaint phone calls in an endlessly unhelpful, “Why did I even bother?” manner. The other seemingly has no job as all they do is troll everything you’ve ever read on the internet and write stupid, angry scribblings underneath it. [You read an article called “How to Prevent Cancer,” they’ll be there to talk about what a shitty president FDR was. You read an article called “Cutest Puppies,” they’ll be there to talk about how 9-11 was an inside job…and that those puppies aren’t cute at all.] The fact that one actually gets paid to be annoying might make them more annoying.

1. The Rude Customer Service Asshole: Even worse than someone who’s unhelpful over the phone is the person who is an out and out dick at your favorite restaurant, book store, or clothing store. This person seemingly does nothing, always looks busy by doing some meaningless, solitary task instead of helping flesh and blood people, and when you interrupt because you HAVE to get their help (not choose to, have to), they’re assholes to you. I hate this type of person not only because of all the times I’ve been seated at a restaurant AFTER people behind me have been or have wanted to slap a completely bitchy or sour customer helper at a book or clothing store (whose ONLY job it is to help you) but because of the way this type of shitty worker is actually encouraging Amazon to put brick-and-mortar stores out of business. This Asshole is the only one that can put otherwise good companies out of business.