Petty Issues: Jeb, George, Trump, and Cruz…A Rogue’s Gallery of Humanity’s Worst

By | February 15, 2016

Jeb Bush rolled out his secreat weapon: his brother, the worst president in modern times. Watching these two campaign together reminds me of when the Special Ed kids go to the City Council meeting to learn about Government. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen a bullet-proof short bus…

Speaking of Jeb’s family connections, the dude seems content to force his 91-year-old mother out onto the campaign trail too. [Trump “She’s the one who should be running, not Jeb.”] You know she’d like to be kicking back on a beach in Florida right now, but Jeb is like “No! You must campaign for me!” The Bush family and their weird dynamics/rivalries don’t need The White House, they need a fucking therapist’s office.

Donald Trump is threatening to sue Ted Cruz and break his pledge not to run as a third-party candidate. Uhhh, why would he be bringing up a third-party run when only two states have voted and he’s number one in all the polls. Does this guy know he’s the front-runner right now? He seems determined to make that not true.

The GOP hosted a debate Valentine’s Eve—because what more romantic night could you have than watching six men scream at each other against a blood-red backdrop?—and the positioning of the candidates looked like a Sherman Williams paint chart, from black to “lacquered flop sweat” (Rubio) to “Blood Bronze” (Trump) to “Spring Corpse” (Ted Cruz).

Asshole of the Week: Ted Cruz. He said he’ll block Obama’s supreme court nomination because “the people should have a say in this nomination.” They already did, it’s called Barack Obama being re-elected in 2012. Then Ted contradicts himself by saying (does the American public get a voice or is he speaking for them?) “I don’t think the American people want a liberal Supreme Court.” Basing that off of nothing, the American people responded “I don’t think we elected a Canadian to speak for us.”

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