The Oscars–as anyone who’s watched television or seen a magazine cover recently knows–are exactly a week from right now. This looks to be one of the most boring shows of the last decade as two things from the past make a big comeback: Billy Crystal and silent films. It’s hard to look at the likely…
TV Review: Five Shows Other Critics Love That I Don’t
It happens. Every once and a while a show comes along that most critics love but I don’t “get.” Sometimes it’s me, sometimes it’s them, but either way there are always at least five or six shows on TV that other critics think are worth watching but I don’t. This list isn’t going to be…
Monday Morning Movie Reviewer: Safe House
I thought this movie would be the rare February thriller that was more than just a decent way to kill two hours. I was wrong. What Works: In a word: Washington. Denzel steals every scene he’s in as a rogue CIA spy with a file full of secrets that people are trying to kill him…
Movie Review: “This Means War” I Spoil This Awful Movie So You Don’t Have to See It
Note: I am GOING to spoil this movie. I am GOING to tell you how it ends and exactly all the ways that ending is a failure. Do not say I didn’t warn you, but you should really thank me as now you don’t have to see this piece of shit to know what happens….
Monday Morning Movie Review: Chronicle
By now everyone in the country should have seen this movie that’s going to, but just in case, I’ll clarify things for you: see it. Don’t wait for DVD. This movie is everything that none of last year’s superhero films were: fresh, intimate, populated with actual characters, and action that won’t put you to sleep….
Movie Review: Journey 2 to the Mysterious Island…The Rock Continues to Creep Me Out
This completely unnecessary sequel—-that shouldn’t actually be a sequel as it doesn’t tie into “Journey to the Center of the Earth” in any real way and the people I saw this movie with didn’t know it was a sequel even after we’d watched the whole thing—-stars The Rock and Vanessa Hudgins and is in 3D…
Mom Jokes: The Biker
A tough looking group of bikers were riding along when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a rough burly ex-con, gets off his bike and says “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide” she says. While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn’t…
“We Won’t Be Ignored Electorate,” With Santorum, Social Conservatives Live Out Fatal Attraction
Just when Alabamians thought they would be sitting on the sidelines in this year’s presidential race, watching a race play out between what they view as “President Black Panther” and “Mormon-bot Romney,” an idea started to formulate among restless social conservatives. They started thinking “Hey, how come we don’t like Romney but he’s going to…
What Exactly Is a Racist? The Definition: Recently Fired Pundit/White Supremacist Pat Buchanan
Two things that I hope that loaded title conveyed: 1. That Pat Buchanan has been fired from MSNBC, the left leaning alternative to Faux News that apparently couldn’t find a reason to keep an old racist around anymore. 2. That this article will explore what a racist is, and that I think it is, you…
Bubba’s Sex Tips: A Redneck Valentine’s Day, Nothing to Celebrate
Every year around this time, a fierce debate wages between me and my buddies: “How much does Valentine’s Day suck?” Now surely we’ve all had terrible Valentine’s Days (what’s that? you haven’t? then please punch yourself in the face). I mean, it really is the fucking absolute worst time to have a holiday. It’s the…
Larger Editorial: For All His Bluster, Chris Christie Is Really Just Another Cowardly Politician
So for the past three years—-doesn’t it feel like Christie’s been on the scene a lot longer than that?—-we’ve all fallen for the “story” of current New Jersey Governor and lifetime fat fuck Chris Christie. How he’s basically Tony Soprano without a gun (that we know of). How he’s brash, bold, tough, and, say it…
Larger Editorial: Why Whitney Houston’s Death Isn’t a Story I Can “Get Into”
As perhaps even polar bears in Alaska know, one of the most emulated singers in contemporary pop music, Whitney Houston died this past week. Ever since has been a formidable flash flood of press coverage. Twitter has blown up, Facebook has exploded, CNN won’t shut up about it, and one day I checked Yahoo and…
Petty Issues Music Edition: Adele, Megadeth Backs Santorum, and Return of MVP Asshole Chris Brown
Last Sunday brought the Grammy Awards or as they might be known from now on: The Adele Show. Coincidentally, never has someone been such a beautiful singer and such an ugly talker. Her singing voice could break hearts but it’s her speaking voice that makes English teachers cry. Moving on to other music news, Rick…