Now What For Rick Santorum, Peyton Manning, Newt Gingrich, Joe the Plumber, and Rush Limbaugh

By | March 7, 2012

I know that this feature on the site is supposed to be about life post-college (and usually is) but since nobody really cares if I stray from that, let’s talk about what’s next for some embattled people in the news lately…

1. Rick Santorum: Okay, guy, you didn’t win any states no one thought you would, but you did come damn, damn close to beating Romney in Ohio, and if Gingrich hadn’t been in that state, you probably would have won. What Romney has always feared most in this primary is a two-man race (meaning not having the majority of the party that hates him fractured around the Cains, Perrys, Gingrichs, Bachmanns, etc.), but of course that strategy won’t exactly win him the general election where he has to face off against Obama, so he’ll probably lose there where Santorum could conceivably fare better. Your only way to get this nomination is if Gingrich quits, and you know he won’t do that because of his ego. Now What: You’re screwed.

2. Peyton Manning: The Indianapolis Colts once again fucked themselves yesterday by announcing they would cut ties with one of the three or four best quarterbacks in the league, either deciding it was too expensive to keep him or because the extremely fucking crazy owner Jim Irsay (check out this guy’s Twitter feed) lost a bet with a unicorn. It doesn’t matter, because if Peyton decides to continue playing—-as opposed to taking the easy, stress-free money as a highly paid ESPN contributor—-he’ll be the most coveted free agent since Jennifer Lopez announced she was divorcing. Now What: Get all those rich fucks that use Alabama for a tax-write-off state to create “The Birmingham Bulls” AL’s pro-team, and pay Peyton an obscene amount to get back to his Southern roots. Or go to a team that already exists…you know…whatever, sniff…

3. Joe the Plumber: This guy who some like to call “The Face of Middle America” and I like to call a first class asshole, won a primary fight in Ohio yesterday. How did he do it? By getting huge endorsements, national attention, and outspending his opponent FIVE to one so he could barely beat him. Joe the Plumber (whose real name is Samuel Wurtzbacher…fucking commie) will still face stiff competition in November when he faces off against Marcy Kaptur who just crushed Dennis Kucinich in the primary. Now What: Fuck you Joe, you’re a novelty candidate and a joke. You paint yourself as an “authentic” Joe but you’re real name isn’t even Joe. Middle America doesn’t want you to speak for it, and you’ll get your ass kicked in November.

4. Newt Gingrich: It is not possible for this man to win this race…and yet he continues to think it is possible even though he has won a grand total of two states and one of them was his home state. During Super-Tuesday, ten states voted and (besides Georgia) he did not win first place or place second in ANY state. In half of those states, Ron Paul beat him. When you come in third or fourth in a four man race, it’s time to quit so Santorum can challenge Romney mano e mano. Now What: Quit. No ifs, ands, or buts, just quit.

5. Rush Limbaugh: Professional asshole Limbaugh attacked a woman last week on his show and announcers are pulling out left and right. The woman was giving a very professional testimonial to congress about birth control and the need for it to be part of a woman’s health insurance coverage, and Limbaugh (who has a real problem with women talking about women’s issues without consulting him first) flew out and called her a “slut” and a “prostitute.” Everyone knows he’s a dick, but it looks like they’re finally ready to do something about it as this is one of the first times advertisers have started fleeing his show. Now What: Quit. No ifs, ands, or buts, just quit and don’t let the door hit your fat, hypocritical, drugged up ass on the way out.

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