Welp, it was bound to happen. After nearly a year and a half of toiling away in anonymity, struggling to turn this blog into the next “great non-fiction book!” (I mean, we all know “Shit My Dad Says” was a masterpiece that Bubba’s Sex Tips could only dream of rivaling) Alabama Liberal has gone Hollywood. Just yesterday, I was given the chance to “interview” (the quotation marks are necessary for legal reasons) celebrities like South Park/Book of Mormon co-creator Matt Sone and supermodel Heidi Klum as I hung out aimlessly in Times Square trying to hustle up some Broadway tickets for less than a car payment. I mean…of course, I totally planned on interviewing these Hollywood heavyweights.
First up, my interview with Matt Stone…
The “Hollywood hit maker” was quickly walking down the street wearing “Don’t Talk to Me” sunglasses and generally looking mad at the world as he mumbled under his breath—-most likely about asshole tourists walking slowly down the streets, unless you’re an asshole tourist, in which case he was mad at asshole New Yorkers getting mad at tourists walking too slowly and deliberately going to tourist traps to be mad about it like assholes—-and I said “Hi Matt” to which he ignored me.
I followed him a few steps saying, “Please, for the love of God, read my screenplay/manuscript/graphic novel script/play/song lyrics/Twitter updates/Linked-In updates/Myspace Echoes/bathroom wall graffiti or anything else I can interest you in.” Then he told me to “fuck off.” My first celebrity interview successfully completed!
Then, supermodel and well-tanned skeleton Heidi Klum…
Unlike Stone, she was unexplainably in the middle of Times Square intentionally or at least as part of a promotional plan, as she stood on top of one of those double decker tour buses and waved to “adoring crowds” of the five of us who were there. I’m not too sure how this helps raise awareness of Project Runway, but I was determined to get Klum’s attention.
First, I started off with a hard-hitting question…I waved at her to see if she would, indeed, wave back. And she did!
This was about as successful as the interview could have gone ladies and gentlemen. Sure, I could have asked her all kinds of shallow stuff about how she feels being divorced from what was supposed to be “the love of her life” or how her homeland of Germany gamed the system to work Europe’s debt crisis to their favor. I mean…if you want to chew over the surface issues, but how would that have told me how she waved to people? It wouldn’t have, dear readers, it would…not…have.
Of course, then I grew very bored with this interaction and decided to shoot her a bird to see if she’d also shoot me one back. I did, and she saw it for a quick second, then pretended she didn’t see it as her face turned to something else abruptly. Another successful dive into a person’s character!
So that about does it for this round of celebrity interviews, but with interactions this successful, don’t be too surprised if you see all the greats lining up to get quizzed by Alabama Liberal. Will Tom Cruise make eye contact with me? Will Gwyneth Paltrow turn around if I shout “Hey bitch?” When Johnny Depp turns down my request for an autography, is it okay to punch him?
These questions and more answered next time…