No Strings Attached Vs. Season of the Witch: When a Sincere Dud is Judged More Harshly Than an Ironic One

First off let me acknowledge that I am waaay behind the eight ball in reviewing these films about a month after their release. I saw both of them before the blog was started and I figured, hell, if I had to sit through both of these movies the least I could do is write a quick review about them. I’ll make it brief so you can get back to more current things like Pokemon and The Blair Witch Project.

Of course, 127 Hours and Blue Valentine came out MONTHS before both of these movies but given the completely disposable nature of No Strings Attached, it seems dated before the credits roll. Season of the Witch might not even get that far.

Still, Season of the Witch has a three percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes and has received calls for Nicolas Cage to be euthanized while No String Attached—just as mediocre—has enjoyed a begrudging pass from most critics and audiences. SotW went down as an instant embarrassment, another black stain for Cage to add to his resume of stinkers while No Strings Attached hasn’t hurt Natalie Portman’s chances for an Oscar whatsoever and has helped Ashton Kutcher’s career. Why the disconnect?

I think it’s because No Strings Attached is coated in a thick layer of insincerity that makes everything harder to mock (even though it’s the comedy) than the earnest shittiness of Witch. NSA uses catchy pop songs and sex talk posing as easy jokes to manipulate the audience into thinking they’re watching a film they enjoy, while you’re much more aware you’re not having a good time at Season of the Witch. Still, I defy anyone to remember they’ve seen No Strings Attached a month later, while the pitiful camp of Season of the Witch will live on in infamy.

Wall of Shame, the five worst things in both films:

5. Ludacris pops up in NSA for about ten minutes in the familiar role of Black Guy Who Knows About Women. Seemingly so he can pass on player wisdom to Ashton’s character but we never actually see Ludacris with a woman in the movie while Ashton picks up several.

4. Ron Perlman’s haircut in Season of the Witch might pass for historical if you were making a movie set in the 80’s but it sure as hell doesn’t look 12^th century.

3. NSA wastes a great female cast in Natalie Portman, Mindy Kaling, Greta Gerwig, and Lake Bell (who really deserves a movie of her own).

2. Season of the Witch uses special effects I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. At one point the lead demon’s face changes in such a weird way I under if John Boehner crying wouldn’t have been a more effective demon.

1. NSA is about sex, uses sex talk, features sex, and yet has no real sex anywhere in sight. If Portman has sex it’s with her clothes on, and same for most of the other characters. Movies that blatantly use sex as a marketing tool should be edgier than a Rock Hudson/Doris Day comedy from the 50’s.