Apparently, no one really cares much for The Lone Ranger, judging by this weekend’s dismal box office performance. The question is more why Disney thought they would since Westerns have never been huge blockbusters, “big budget genre bending Westerns” (Cowboys and Aliens, Wild Wild West) are more commonly known as “Flops,” and they haven’t had much luck with long gestating projects that cost over 200 million dollars (John Carter).
What Works: I loved the opening shot of an unfinished Golden Gate Bridge (even if I hated the framing device that it sets up), and as with all Westerns, the wide-open scenery can be quite beautiful at times. The villains, Tom Wilkenson and William Finchter, couldn’t be outright terrible if they tried. Also, the crowd seemed to respond to a very late in the game train chase that uses the classic Lone Ranger theme to good effect. Depp scores a handful of jokes that the audience laughed at but I didn’t…
What Doesn’t Work:…This thing deserves to be a flop, and if I’m saying that (no one wants the Western to make a comeback more than I do) then it’s really bad. For starters, it’s now become clear that Johnny Depp primarily chooses projects to amuse himself and indulge his worst tendencies as an actor. Armie Hammer is one of my absolute least favorite young American actors around, something about this ultra-mannered, uber-WASP comes off as so dainty and old-fashioned you half expect him to say “good heavens!” and faint whenever a character engages in “ruffian” behavior. In short, he’s very, very wrong for action hero parts (or any part), even if The Lone Ranger is (ridiculously) moral. I also began to hate the character after a while since he repeatedly thinks of himself as the most moral man in the West but is actually kind of a prick, leaving his sidekick Tonto to die more than once. Plus, even that beautiful Western scenery begins to bore after a while since it all looks so fake and CGI-ed, it cramps what should have been the wide-open beauty of a canyon. And the pacing is dogshit, as with the Pirates of the Caribbean films, it’s just one haphazard, lazily blocked-out sequence after another where nothing all that important or consequential happens.
What I Would Have Done Differently: Gotten Disney to realize a more noble cause than spending 300 million dollars to make and market a turd nobody likes and had them make a charitable contribution to Alabama Liberal . com instead. That could have bought a loooooot of Obama t-shirts.
Please tell us how you feel about Armie Hammer.
WHY REMAKE THE LONE RANGER? WHO CARES?
The previews played like Jack Sparrow playing cowboys and indians, don’t know if the movie gave a different impression.