Terrible. It’s depressing that this is one of the worst films I’ve seen this year and it not only printed money and got great marks from audiences (you know a movie’s bad if it gets a solid “A” grade from Cinemascore) but also an 82 percent on rotten tomatoes. When even critics have given up, it’s a sad day.
What Works: [Crickets] …Actually Kurt Russell shows up with more charm than the rest of the cast combined and reminds you that he should really be the star of his own quality TV show by now, and that maybe Quentin Tarantino will utilize him properly in “Hateful Eight.”
What Doesn’t: Short version: This thing makes no damn sense.
Long version: The climax of the movie involves an African terrorist flying a helicopter the size of a tank into downtown Los Angeles (seemingly unnoticed) and blowing up buildings at random and who shows up to stop him? The Air Force? Homeland Security? FBI? Army? Even the LAPD? Nope, the only people who seem to put up any major resistance is Vin Diesel and his assorted gearheads. The lone law enforcement representative is The Rock’s FBI agent who sees the explosions outside his hospital room (where he’s recovering from a broken arm), says “Daddy’s gotta go to work,” and hulks out of his cast (not kidding) to go whoop ass.
Earlier in the movie we are introduced to “the plot” of Kurt Russell’s CIA agent wanting to get his hands on a device that can locate people easily, so does he send Seal Team 6? Army Rangers? Delta Force? JSOC? Nope, he sends Vin Diesel and a bunch of petty thieves who work on cars in downtown Los Angeles. Why does Vin Diesel agree to help him? Because he wants to use the device to track down Jason Statham’s bad guy but he doesn’t need the device at all since Statham keeps showing up wherever they are to kill them.
And the middle of the movie takes place in an “Abu Dhabi” that looks a lot more like Miami Beach than any Muslim country that exists in reality–way more bikinis than burkas–and they crash a party (because Vin Diesel in a tuxedo in a roomful of wealthy shieks isn’t conspicuous at all) figuratively, then literally–because subtly isn’t something this franchise does–by driving a car through three different skyscrapers. Before he does it, Vin says “It’s time to release the beast.” And I rolled my eyes so hard I went temporarily blind.
What I Would Have Done Differently: Besides a better plot, script, dialogue, actors, set pieces, special effects, direction, and catering? Nothing much.
Special Mention Bad: Oh, and plenty of movies have used an actor’s “last performance” as a marketing hook, but it’s downright ghoulish to frame into an entire movie as Paul Walker’s swan song while also glorifying reckless driving to a young audience…for a star that died in a car wreck. We’re essentially watching a movie waiting for Paul Walker’s character to die–he seemingly filmed the whole thing before he passed–but when his character is spared his gruesome off-screen fate and not even a mention of “Hey kids, don’t drive fast in real life” hits the screen you can’t help but feel that kids are taking the wrong message home with them.