There’s nothing scarier than creepy kid movies, except for perhaps movies where it’s a whole town of creepy kids. It seems like the natural progression to make a movie about a pandemic of creepy (zombie) kids, and it’s resulted in one of the best horror comedies in a long while. “Cooties” is about a zombie-creating virus that breaks out among the kids during a horribly long day at summer school and the stunned teachers doing their best not to get eaten.
On a personal note, I was a substitute teacher not too long ago, and the scene where Elijah Wood’s sub protagonist watches his classroom spiral from unruly to cannibalistic is a clever fever dream version of a teacher’s real fear: that the kids are literally out of control. I can see this movie gaining a real following with educators, especially the guilty-wish-fulfillment last act where the teachers must fight back. This is probably the first film since Tony Kaye’s (much less coherent) “Detachment” that seems to get that today’s teachers might be being driven slowly insane by a system where the kids have more real power than they do.
What Works: The cast is made up of mostly comedic actors—Nasim Pedra, Jack McBrayer, a likably sunny Alison Pill, and a likably hostile Rainn Wilson—that only adds to the feeling that we’re watching real people in an action-hero scenario. The direction is crisp and inventive. And I liked that the characters aren’t as easy to pigeonhold as we might first suspect, like Wilson’s former jock turned gym teacher, an off-the-bat jerk who eventually shows vulnerability, selflessness, and a keen awareness of pop culture.
Throughout, we’re reminded that Wood’s character is writing a very derivative horror novel, and it’s the movie’s way of telling us that it’s aware there’s a zombie glut going on and it has no intention of just being “Dawn of the Dead at a School.” The movie may be closer to “Evil Dead” than “Walking Dead”—imagine, a zombie story that doesn’t forget it’s supposed to be fun—but by the end I felt I’d seen something I hadn’t before. Seeing a teacher morph into a Mad Max-style warrior badass may be as close to horror nirvana as we’re likely to get this Fall.
What Doesn’t: It’s not a movie I can recommend to everyone. “But can’t you say that about every movie?” That’s true, but I really can’t say that everyone will enjoy a movie about zombie kids, and it would probably be a mistake to eat while watching this. The opening scene and credits alone might get you to consider giving up chicken—the virus is passed on through tainted chicken nuggets and we see how the sausage is made—and this is before the zombies show up.
Still, part of what works may be that it’s not a movie everyone can comfortably watch. In an early scene, two “Cooties” characters name-check “Speed 2” which Roger Ebert infamously gave a positive review to solely because he liked seeing things he hadn’t seen before, and the movie’s climax qualified. Well, I could say the same about a film that doesn’t shy away from an autopsy on a zombie kid’s brains.
What I Would Have Done Differently: Other reviewers have mentioned that the movie loses steam after the first third, but I actually think that’s wrong. There are third-act scenes like the one where Wood confesses he’s jealous of the opportunities his students have or where Wilson resents the lowly status teachers occupy that are some of the best in the entire movie, not to mention the apocalyptic final scene. If anything, I might have added more scenes like that…perhaps for the sequel.