Larger Editorial: Glenn Beck’s Final Show, So Long Shit Bag

Today, we have a special treat…if you count water boarding as a treat. I will be watching Glenn Beck’s final show, the first I’ve seen from start to finish.

Minute 1: Beck is outside the New York City studio his show is filmed at. Okay, I can do this. I’ve got a Snapple and an entire bag of Baked Cheetos to get me through this.

Minute 3: A montage of people saying how great Glenn Beck is…all of them are white.

Minute 5: Beck shows a blackboard with “All the things we’ve learned over the years,” on that board are “obscure” names like Andrew Jackson, Andrew Hamilton, and Ben Franklin. So far the only thing I’ve learned is that Beck has only been on the air for TWO and a HALF years instead of the much longer time period it felt like.

Minute 10: I’ve drunk the Snapple dry and moved on to Beer. The bag of Cheetos has been licked clean and thrown into the corner of the room. Time is crawling. I think I can literally hear the grass growing outside. Two snails fucking would move faster than this hour of programming.

Minute 11: Beck references–what else–Hitler. He quotes Hitler as saying “Communism and Christianity are the same thing.” So if they’re the same, and Beck hates Communism does that make him unChristian? Or in league with HITLER?!!! To the blackboards conspiracy nuts!

Minute 15: Beck goes on and on about how brave he is. He takes a pathetic pot shot at Jon Stewart who uses “writers” and “people with college degrees” to make him look good so the “intelligensia” that hands out awards will give him an award. Beck says he doesn’t know who hands out TV awards because he will never win one. In the interest of bi-partisanship, I agree with him.

Minute 20: The first commercial break, no surprise, it’s a gold company that Beck is a paid sponsor for. Also, whenever Beck says the world is falling apart and to buy gold, it’s important to note that HE’S PAID TO TELL YOU TO BUY GOLD. All of his predictions of the apocalypse are just corporate sponsored doomsdaying.

Minute 24: Unfortunately, the show returns. I wish I hadn’t. Beck talks a little about his next venture as if moving to a website is some sort of upgrade over basic cable. He refutes claims that his show was slipping in the ratings even though it is a proven fact that it was. But then again, Beck doesn’t traffic in proven facts.

Minute 30: The next commercial break reveals why Beck is really going: he has no sponsors. There’s not a single “product” advertised during this commercial break so much as ads for gold, capital investment firms, and Obama hate groups.

Minute 34: We return to find Beck has not died from patting himself on the back, although he continues to be the most self-satisfied prick in primetime…except Beck isn’t in primetime so much as a daytime graveyard that makes his claims about “big ratings…for this hour” seem kind of like saying you’re the world’s tallest midget.

Minute 35: In a fake bit of humbleness Beck says he’s just the “dumbest guy” and for once we agree. It’s just a preamble to Beck complementing himself for hiring such a “smart” crew of yes men that agree with everything he says. I’ve decided to take a drink every time Beck compliments himself for being brave and/or knowing something no one else does. Also, I’ll take two shots every time he references Hitler.

Minute 38: Beck makes a desperate attempt to show he’s not a racist by showing how many black people work for him on his crew…none of them look happy.

Minute 41: Beck is talking about how brave he is by stepping down from Faux News. I take a drink….A minute later Beck is admiring himself by watching an old broadcast and smiles, so I take another drink. A minute later Beck is threatening other members of the media gloating over his downfall (oops, he knows about me) and says we will “prayyyy for the day he was just on television.” Actually, I prayed for the day he was off TV and now I’m getting it, lucky me.

Minute 44: Another commercial break with the usual suspects: Merit Financial and a paid commercial from Medicare-buster Paul Ryan. Beck has the narrowest advertiser appeal of all Faux News anchors, I have not seen one commercial for a legitimate product…unless I blacked out because I am now getting a pretty good buzz.

Minute 47: We return to Beck…oh shit…

Minute 48: Beck gives his audience a call to arms to join him on his website. He’s still insisting that going from your own TV show to a website is a step up. I wish I had made allowances to drink every time Beck deludes himself…of course I wouldn’t have been able to type this I’d be so drunk.

Minute 49: Beck says he lives in a really nice New York apartment, and I take another drink. Beck talks about meeting Bono, and I take another drink just to get over the boredom. He once again talks about how brave he is to be leaving his own show, and I take another drink.

Minute 50: I’m about to fall into an alcohol induced coma.

Minute 51: A three wheeled roadster is advertised, thus being the first real product I’ve seen advertised on here, so congratulations…goofy looking three wheeled roadster that looks like the penis mobile the Ambiguously Gay Duo ride around in.

Minute 53: Sabra Dips advertise hummus…something approximately 0.00001 percent of Glenn Beck’s audience would ever eat. Not a good use of your dollars Sabra Dips.

Minute 54: We return to Beck and as he’s “overwhelmed with a feeling” to leave New York City with “his soul intact,” I’m filled with a feeling of relief that we’re almost in the final five minutes.

Minute 55: Glenn talks about a special, top secret plan called “Mercury One” but doesn’t tell us what it is…instead only teasing us to go to his website to find out about the plan that will save us “one person, one country, one planet” at a time. Apparently, even the planet Mercury isn’t safe from Beck.

Minute 56: We go to a commercial, meaning that this show has about as many commercials as it actually has Beck…which makes his proud claim that his show is “content” based with just him talking pretty bogus since his “hour” is probably only 35 minutes a day. He doesn’t need to go to flashy screens on his show because he cuts to a commercial every 90 seconds.

Minute 58: An anti-Obama commercial…good thing I’m sitting down or I would have died from shock. Actually, I don’t think I can stand as I am now thoroughly drunk. Thank God the show was mostly commercials and I only started the drinking game halfway through it.

Minute 59: Beck’s final comment…he’s gay. That’s right, Beck just came out of the closet. Oh, and he gave his crew an awkward shout out…no mention of the fans though which is strange considering he’s basically asking them to interact with him on his website that officially launches September 12th.

Minute 60: We go to a different show with Brett Baer’s big potato head and I go to a different network…and probably to throw up.

End Note: What a shitty show. It wasn’t emotional or funny or in anyway satisfying for a series finale. Beck didn’t seem to care much about it so much as himself, and didn’t work to put together anything that felt like it had the slightest concern for the audience he’s wanting to “interact” with him on his new online venture. He just came off like an egomaniac who pretends to care about interacting with his crew and fans (he’s said that he doesn’t want couch potatoes so much as active Americans) but never lets anyone else talk. Today he didn’t have guests or compelling clips of the past or a new theory on anything, and it just felt like he was running the clock instead of either showing some past great moments or giving us one last conspiracy chestnut to savor. The finale felt self-congratulatory, slapdash, thrown together, and planned with no forethought. Which in a way is a pretty fitting way to describe Beck himself.