Kasich Should Quit Now and Go Out on a High Note

By | March 16, 2016

John Kasich should quit. No, really, he’s done.

Now that’s probably not an opener to an article you would expect about Kasich on a night when he won his first state of the primary season. But it’s exactly the kind-of thing you should expect and should be hearing, but probably haven’t heard since the media is desperate to keep this 2016 “horse race” going as long as possible so they don’t have to get back to the grim realities of covering actual news. [Shudder]

John Kasich can’t win the nomination. He couldn’t two months ago when he was 7th in the polls, and he can’t win today when he’s still 3rd in the polls in a three-man race with more than half the states having voted. The fact that he’s treated like the conquering hero of a state he’s the sitting governor says more about the low-bar set for Trump’s opponents than it does for his own chances.

John Kasich could not win the nomination even if he gets 100% of the remaining delegates. His sole role left in this race is the one of “asshole spoiler” to cause a brokered convention. 

So why should he quit? Because right now people are buying his whole faux-nice guy, awww-shucks, touchy-feely bullshit conservatism non-sense. “I’ll give you a cookie after I break up your union and outlaw your abortion. Aren’t I nice a guy?” And we know it’s all fake because Kasich is the rare guy who looks like he’s in more pain when he’s smiling. Like it’s taking a physical toll on that subtly unsettling, jack-o-lantern melon of his to squeeze his ever-grinding jaw into a rictus of fake joy. We also know he’s not really nice because of his policies, and the fact that most people who’ve actually worked with him say he’s an asshole, and the fact that he quick-changes into one for our viewing displeasure whenever somebody brings up his impossible path to the nomination.

The guy is in the race solely as a spoiler to create a brokered convention. His sole goal between now and the end of this race is to deprive Trump of the delegates needed to reach 1,237, and once America finally starts paying attention to that fact they’re going to start hating him. He’ll go from “how do you spell Kasich?” to “oh that’s the backroom bastard that thought he could steal the nomination.” His name will become synonomous with Washington thievery, and God help him if he actually is successful in stealing the nomination: his descendants will rejoin his ancestors in Croatia rather than live in an America where Kasich is defined in the Urban Dictionary as “a rat bastard uptown crook.” I’m already trying to coin the phrase “Crooked Kasich” to get in on the ground floor of a meme.

Oh yes, there are worse things for John Kasich than quitting right now. And as we’ve seen with every single candidate Trump bothers to pay attention to, those “worse things” are right around the corner. He could spare himself the fate of “Low Energy” Jeb or “Disgrace” Lindsey Graham or “Little” Marco by quitting right now on a high-note. It may be the last chance he gets.

12 thoughts on “Kasich Should Quit Now and Go Out on a High Note

  1. Hunter Harris

    This article started out shaky and I was unsure about it, but after i read the whole thing it made sense and I agree with everything the article has said.

  2. Joel

    It was a good article.It was a little interesting.I also think he should drop out now.He is just there because he wants to.That is all i have it was a good article.

  3. Nancy Davis

    Kasich should call it a day. Let the big dogs come out and play.
    Only then will we be able to see what these candidates are really all about.

  4. Jylissa

    I wasn’t so sure about this article from the beginning, after reading the res of the article I agree with some of the things in this article.

  5. Joel

    This was a good article.I agree with it he should quit.It is just stupid for him to stay in.That is all I have to say.

  6. Samuel

    From reading this article I think he should quit.

  7. Addison

    He should quit now instead of make a fool of himself later.

  8. Steven

    I agree. John Kasich is a god damned fuckin’ bastard, and I hate him, and I wanna punch him in his jaw, as hard as I can, like “Take THAT, you son of a bitch!”

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