3. Rednecks Have Feelings Too. Oh sure, we all know that longing is for sissies, heartbreak is for women, and crying is for yankees. And yet, all that underestimates how many feelings are beneath the surface of rednecks. Just look at this heartwarming poem (text message) I wrote my beloved:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Let’s have sex
Now it doesn’t take Oscar Wilde—-who is a natural at poetry as he is both gay and British—-to know that this is first-class stuff and my own way of expressing a type of deep love my high school football coach said was “For Pure Fags Only.” So that’s as close to the romance as most rednecks can get without fear of instantly turning into someone that has to go to Massachusetts to get married. And Bubba will be damned if he’s going to get married in a state he can’t spell. [Although, in fairness, who the fuck can spell that state without spell check or a thick ass Boston accent?]
2. Rural Relationships Are Totally Different Than Anything You’ve Ever Seen in a Romantic Comedy. Every once and a while I’m drug to something called a “rom-com” and I can’t help but notice how situations usually arise that I have never known anyone to fall into. Typically, Katherine Heigl or some such similar high-maintenance nightmare that likes to complain will like a guy but there’s something wrong with the guy and she has to choose between him and a different guy. I am thrown by this word “chose” as typically in rural relationships there is a pre-marital pregnancy involved and those two people will get together (if not that, then you are the last woman not pregnant and you will wind up with the last man standing). Also, I am thrown that the two men she has to choose from do not seem to know each other, have never met, did not play football together, are not cousins, etc.
1. The Older You Get, The Harder It Gets (Definitely No Pun Intended). Redneck dating is severely complicated by a few basic, horrible truths: 1. most of the women look best when they’re seniors in high school. Their peak age is 17 years old, and will promptly collapse after their first pregnancy which will be at approximately 17 and a half years old. 2. All of the women that are truly hot looking and without kids will move to a city between the ages of 20 to 40, wherein your small town will leave you with no hot single women between the ages of 15 and 50. 3. The longer you wait, the more likely you are to be somebody’s step daddy instead of somebody’s daddy. And by the time you’re ready to settle down and have kids (you know, 24 years old) there will about six single men—-possibly all with a better truck than you—-for every one attractive woman with no kids, meaning you’ve got better odds in mainland China.