Every 2012 Movie, From Worst to Best

Just like last year’s list, this won’t be every movie that came out in 2012, but instead a list of the movies I’ve reviewed (and some that will be reviewed in the near-future). Because, well, one of our favorite things about the end of a year is listing everything we liked (or didn’t), so why not get into the “Ten Best Whatevers of 2012” game? By my count, I saw 124 movies that came out this year, and I have to admit that I’m more impressed with this year’s crop than last year’s.

 

The Worst Movie of the Year: Obama 2016. I know people will say it’s because I’m a liberal and this movie is rightwing propaganda, but…well, I guess they’d be right to say that. But this is also one of the most fraudulent and lie-packed documentaries I’ve ever seen. To even call it a documentary when it gets so much wrong is to mis-categorize it. This is a conspiracy theory that puts forth a whopper of a tale that Obama is somehow a closest Kenyan who desperately wants to please his father…who he has met exactly once. What’s so insidious about this film is that it uses passages from Obama’s own book about his father (that’s really about coming to terms with an absentee, perhaps even “deadbeat” dad who left a big hole in his life) and twists them to fit an agenda that has nothing to do with what Obama wrote. The emotional context is so phony and offensive, this film deserves to be labeled “the worst,” of the year. It’s an insult to any self-made man that triumphed in spite of a ghost-father rather than because they owe them anything.

Runner-Up Worst Movie of the Year: Katy Perry’s All of Me. Another “documentary” that’s so manipulative it’s worse than fiction. It presents Katy Perry as something close to a bubble-gum Saint, when she never really feels like she’s telling the truth, and seems to have an allergy to sincerity. Everyone around her keeps babbling about how her appeal is in her “realness” but she barely seems like a human being, let alone a real one.

120. Underworld Awakening. Grade: F…The most depressing thing about a lifeless, completely soul-dead movie? It’s part of a successful franchise.

119. This Means War. Grade: F…A “romantic comedy spy film” that’s not romantic or funny or exciting in any way. The worst of all genres.

118. Red Hook Summer. Grade: F+…Spike Lee’s dreadful indie film, that starts off painfully slow, boring, and uninvolving, but eventually shocks us with a twist that reallllllly makes you wonder why you just sat through the movie.

117. Alex Cross. Grade: F+…A generic, uninspired thriller made all the worse because of its melodramatic elements.

116. The Vow. Grade: D-

115. Battleship. Grade: D-

114. Ghost Rider 3D. Grade: D-

113. Wrath of the Titans. Grade: D-

112. The Expendables 2. Grade: D-

111. Taken 2. Grade: D

110. Sparkle. Grade: D

109. Hotel Transylvania. Grade: D

108. Total Recall. Grade: D

107. One for the Money. Grade: D

106. American Reunion. Grade: D

105. To Rome with Love. Grade: D

104. Cabin in the Woods. Grade: D+

103. Trouble with the Curve. Grade: D+

102. Red Dawn. Grade: D+

101. Contraband. Grade: D+

100. The Man with the Iron Fists. Grade: D+

99. Seeking Justice. Grade: D+

98. Butter. Grade: D+

97. Red Lights. Grade: D+…an interesting set-up that ultimately went nowhere.

96. Project X. Grade: D+

95. Journey to the Mysterious Island. Grade: C-

94. The Woman in Black. Grade: C-

93. The Watch. Grade: C-

92. Hit and Run. Grade: C-

91. Anna Karenina. Grade: C-

90. Seven Psychopaths. Grade: C-

89. The Avengers. Grade: C-…I know most will be baffled at how I could rank this movie so low, but it’s really and truly not very good.

88. Dredd 3D. Grade: C-

87. Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2. Grade: C-…I know this grade is weak, but it’s a BIG improvement over the first part.

86. Safe House. Grade: C-

85. Act of Valor. Grade: C-

84. Lawless. Grade: C-…should have been a lot better than it was, an indie hipster’s idea of 1920’s Virginia more than the reality of it.

83. Rock of Ages. Grade: C-…a bad movie with a good performance from Tom Cruise inside of it.

82. Ted. Grade: C-

81. The First Time. Grade: C-

80. Rise of the Guardians. Grade: C-

79. Here Comes the Boom. Grade: C-

78. John Carter. Grade: C-…Is this a better grade than the movie deserves? I’m sure it is, but there’s something about this turd that’s a little more interesting (to me anyway) than most of the films below it.

77. Bully. Grade: C-…A documentary about bullying that isn’t a remotely curious movie, taking the stand that “bullying is bad” (well, no shit) and then telling us little else for the duration.

76. Mirror Mirror. Grade: C-…Great production design in a bad movie.

75. The Words. Grade: C-…A good movie is buried under a mess of a story-within-a-story-within-a-story.

74. The Oranges. Grade: C-…A pleasant movie, but more something to watch on basic cable than anything to pay money for.

73. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Grade: C-…One of the most frustrating lead characters in a movie this year.

72. Smashed. Grade: C-…An indie about sobering up that could have been (and should have been) a lot better.

71. Not Fade Away. Grade: C-…[Review for this coming soon]

70. Hyde Park on the Hudson. Grade: C- [Review for this coming soon]

69. Les Miserables. Grade: C- [Review for this coming soon]

68. Ice Age 4. Grade: C

67. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter. Grade: C

66. Snow White and the Huntsman. Grade: C

65. Ten Years. Grade: C

64. Django Unchained. Grade: C…Tarantino will never make an uninteresting movie, but he may have just made his first bad one

63. End of Watch. Grade: C

62. Wanderlust. Grade: C

61. Detachment. Grade: C…This movie is a mess but it’s rare that a film about education actually sympathizes with teachers and doesn’t say it’s all their fault, so that gets bonus points

60. Cirque Du Soleil, Worlds Apart. Grade: C…Although it depends on whether or not you’ve seen the shows, as they repeat a lot of things you may have seen before

59. Red Tails. Grade: C…But when the film is in the air, it really works

58. Savages. Grade: C

57. The Five Year Engagement. Grade: C…Although the middle-section where they’re trapped in Michigan, which is so surprising and different than most romantic comedies, really works and almost made me give it a higher grade

56. The Secret World of Arriety. Grade: C

55. Safety Not Guaranteed. Grade: C…Although I liked it more than most of the other C movies.

54. The Guilt Trip. Grade: C+…And I liked this movie less than most of the other C+’s, still I have to admit it worked better than it has any right to.

53. Casa Di Ma Padre. Grade: C+…Is Will Ferrell punking us? This “comedy” is a satire of Mexican melodramas so accurate it’s almost like watching the real thing, the laughs are so subtle it’s daring

52. Paranorman. Grade: C+…Obvious skill went into this movie, and yet I just wasn’t all that moved by it for some reason

51. Frankenweenie. Grade: C+…Same thing here, although bonus points for making a black-and-white stop motion animated feature, that takes some guts

50. Friends with Kids. Grade: C+…This movie takes no guts, but works better

49. Premium Rush. Grade: C+…A bicycle chase movie is just inventive enough to keep me awake

48. Brave. Grade: C+

47. Jack Reacher. Grade: C+…Uninspired but competent, enjoyable enough

46. Moonrise Kingdom. Grade: C+…Uninspired but competent, enjoyable enough. If Wes Anderson has anything else in his wheelhouse but this type of movie, now might be the time to show it.

45. Haywire. Grade: C+

44. The Pirates. Grade: C+…Not funny but a lot of fun regardless.

43. For a Good Time Call. Grade: C+…A surprising movie that’s almost good.

42. The Impossible. Grade: C+

41. Killer Joe. Grade: C+…A psychologically sick movie that isn’t violent enough to warrant its NC-17 but will still scar some people for life. That being said, Matthew McConaughey has never been better. I’ve never seen a “movie star” give a performance as daring and risky as this.

40. The Amazing Spider-Man. Grade: B-

39. Prometheus. Grade: B-…Some great elements that never add up to a great movie or anything close to it.

38. Men in Black III. Grade: B-…A movie I wanted to like less than I did.

37. The Dictator. Grade: B-…A movie I wanted to like more than I did.

36. Flight. Grade: B-…I wish this movie were a lot better, but Denzel still gives a great performance inside of it.

35. Liberal Arts. Grade: B-…I wish this movie were a little better, but it still captures the feeling of college, where you just might be able to do anything.

34. Silent House. Grade: B-…A twisty horror movie that most people ignored back in March.

33. Beasts of the Southern Wild. Grade: B-…Every year brings a pretentious movie that people rave about to show they have class, this is that movie for 2012, but it is only pretty good, not a masterpiece, and it really stretches the bounds of patience with a “structure” that is so loose it practically falls apart.

32. Life of Pi. Grade: B-…Visually stunning but it left me cold dramatically.

31. Paradise Lost 3. Grade: B-…A conclusion to the Paradise Lost films but it spends too much time recapping things we already know, the shallowest of the three movies.

And So Begins the Movies I would Recommend…

30. Ruby Sparks. Grade: B

29. The Hunger Games. Grade: B

28. Big Miracle. Grade: B…Although I’m a little embarrassed to admit how much I liked this movie.

27. The Middle of Nowhere. Grade: B

26. Looper. Grade: B…Quick, inventive, and surprising, with some flat-out terrific sequences.

25. The Hobbit. Grade: B

24. Argo. Grade: B…I know I should like this movie more than I do, but it never grabbed me the way it seems to have other reviewers.

23. 21 Jump Street. Grade: B+…A shockingly good movie.

22. The Lorax. Grade: B+…Some critics don’t like this movie, but it’s important for children for to see it.

21. Jeff Who Lives at Home. Grade: B+

“The Top Twenty”

Don’t take the numbers too seriously here, the “12th” best movie isn’t any better than the 10th. I had the most struggle between slots 6 to 15, and really just had to draw straws at a certain point. In general, I’d say 16 to 20 are very good, 6 to 15 are very, very good, and the top 5 are great movies.

 

20. Wreck-it-Ralph…How can I put a movie so blatantly commercial into the top 20? Because it’s the best animated or family movie of the year, that’s how.

19. The Campaign…A Will Ferrell comedy in the top 20, have I lost my mind? The Campaign is here because it is sharp, funny, and actually about something relevant to our time (super PACs destroying the election process). How many big studio comedies in the last year can say that? One, and that’s The Campaign.

18. The Sessions…Beautiful performances from Helen Hunt and John Hawkes, a shockingly romantic movie with a lead character who can barely move.

17. Skyfall…The type of action film they don’t make enough of. All big studio franchises not directed by Christopher Nolan should take note.

16. The Perks of Being a Wallflower…A quiet movie that gets the complicated friendships of high school in a way most teen-set movies just really don’t care about.

15. The Silver Linings Playbook…What makes this movie brilliant (and easier to admire than really embrace) is that its whacked out comedy/drama rhythms and rambling subplots are actually an allegory for the way Bradley Cooper’s bi-polar lead character experiences the world.

14. The Dark Knight Rises…It’s saying something about how excellent Christopher Nolan’s Batman movies have been that I may now be taking this one for granted. It’s a film that combines timely elements about income inequality, civil unrest, and top-down corruption with rousing action sequences and Anne Hathaway in a catsuit…and yet it didn’t make my top ten, probably because the film was so successful that I’m a little afraid to praise it too much. [But just between me and you, it is really good.]

13. Arbitrage…Richard Gere gives a career-best performance as a slippery hedge fund billionaire trying to sell off his company before the world can realize what a fraud he is. The ending works on every level.

12. Magic Mike…Am I flat out crazy to put “the male stripper” movie in the top twenty, and nearly in the top ten? Not quite, because it’s not really a male stripper movie at all. The always-crafty Soderbergh has really made a movie about young players who think they’re living “the life” even as they get further and further away from a real life. Matthew McConaughey gives his second great performance of the year as a shrewd, pimp-like figure to Channing Tatum’s Mike, who discovers that if you’re constantly selling yourself, you may also be losing yourself.

11. Chronicle…A superhero movie that feels like an indie-drama and Dane Dehaan creates one of the most sympathetic villains I’ve seen in years, and my pick for the best one of the year.

9. This is Forty/Hope Springs…Two relationship dramas about long-married couples (one in their 40’s, one in their 60’s) that are technically big studio films, but feel like indies. They feel that way because they actually give a shit about the couples at their center, their desires, their dreams, and what they want most in the world. Intimate, lived-in movies like this are hard to find.

8. The Grey…The “Liam Neeson” wolf movie was the year’s biggest surprise. It wasn’t really some mindless action film about fighting-wolves at all, but about the emotional cost it takes to survive in a hopeless situation, and whether or not the lead character even wants to. In the end (which is ultra-polarizing), he chooses to fight not because it’s the right thing to do or it will save the world or because it means anything other to anyone but himself. The journey it takes for him to reach his decision was, for me, unforgettable. Plus, the Alaskan setting has the year’s best, most unappreciated cinematography.

7. Killing Them Softly…What separates this scuzzy underworld thriller from every other mob movie of the last few years? It examines the “friendships” that can turn on a dime into cutthroat murder traps, the title (which is supposed to be how Brad Pitt’s enforcer prefers to kill) really refers to the entire concept of organized crime, where your best friend is so often the one pulling the trigger. Brad Pitt’s ending speech—–where he explains that America is more a corporation than a country, the only nation in the world founded over a beef about money——is one for the books.

6. The Master…For every one person that loves this difficult, cold film there will be two people that really don’t. But I thought it was brilliant in capturing just why someone would join a religion or any philosophy when it is pretty clearly a hoax. For Joaquin Phoenix’s damaged Freddie Quill it isn’t so much what Phillip Seymour Hoffman is saying, as that he’s saying it to him. “The Master” speaks of past lives and being able to get you in touch with them, but Phoenix is a lonely, troubled man only comforted by this philosophy because he isn’t at home in this life. If you search for it, you’ll find a very sharp film about people drawn to any religion that can promise them a second chance after they’re dead.

The Top Five Best Films of the Year

5. Lincoln…If it were just a biopic of Abraham Lincoln it would be telling you about his legend instead of showing it to you. Watching him get the amendment to abolish slavery passed is the closest we’ve ever been to how his mind works, it’s a rare, staggering accomplishment for a biopic to do that. And Tommy Lee Jones gives one of the most emotional performances of the year in his final scene, where we discover just why ending slavery is so important to him.

4. Miss Bala…This movie may have technically come out in 2011, but it didn’t get a U.S. release until early 2012. It’s a Mexican film that follows a beauty pageant hopeful as she gets quickly pulled into the swirl of a cartel and the eye of its top enforcer. By never leaving her perspective (she’s in every scene) the film accurately replicates the confusing, upside down world of Mexico, where cops may not be on your side and victorious drug raids may be staged. This film grabbed me early on and refused to let me go.

3. Zero Dark Thirty…A great movie that I will review more in depth next week.

2. Promised Land…Some will be confused to see this minor, low-key Matt Damon movie so high up on the list (critics will like this film, but it’ll be more of a B+ for them than an A), but to me it felt like a great novel thrown up there on the screen. Matt Damon’s faux-“everyman” natural gas salesmen has to convince the people in a dirt-poor farming town to sign over their land rights, even though it will ruin their soil. John Krasinski shows up as an environmental do-gooer who’s a little more sly than we first think. Watching them each try to win over the town felt almost literary, a great work of compassion and curiosity.

1. Cloud Atlas…”Okay, Alabama Liberal, now you’ve really lost your mind if you think this flop is the best film of the year. There are a hundred better movies!” Actually, there aren’t. Yes, Lincoln and Zero Dark Thirty may be “better” but this is the most ambitious film I’ve witnessed in years. It weaves six different stories set throughout time and shows how the same themes (and personalities) keep rippling throughout the ages. Once you get that the film is really about freedom vs. oppression, and the many forms that takes, it all clicks together. I know not everyone will like this movie, few will love it as I do, and yet it floored me.

One key element is the idea that an entire soul can be made whole or found lacking based on whether or not it makes a crucial connection (Tom Hanks is always ambiguous where everyone else is a hero or a villain, and the film suggests that he needs to be with Halle Berry to be made whole). That might be the most romantic idea I’ve ever seen in a movie, and it’s put forth in a huge, sprawling science fiction epic where there’s so much going on that people might miss it.