Some debates are so classic, solving them is almost beside the point. Coke vs. Pepsi, McDonald’s vs. Burger King, The Beattles vs. The Rolling Stones (or for Bubba, Johnny Cash vs. Merle Haggard), the question of “which is better?” has been going on for so long, who even wants an answer? Well, in this world of ever growing mystery, we need a little damn closure every once and a while. So today, in the space of no more than seven paragraphs (maybe five if I get bored with it), we’re going to answer this eternal mystery: Southern Belles vs. Yankee Sirens, the good genetics of Mormon girls vs. the more adventurous nature of heathen liberals, the pent up sexual repression of–alright, I’ll get on with it…
To even begin to answer the question of which is better it’s important to at least explain the categories. When talking about Republican women versus Democrat women, there’s a lot of varieties under those umbrellas. For Republican women it’s tempting to just say anything that has XX chromosomes and falls in the big L that runs from the top of the Mid-West to the far South East, but that leaves out the fiscal conservative women of the blue states and unfairly includes the economically liberal black women that just so happen to be born in Alabama.
And then when talking about blue state women…we’re basically herding cats. By now liberalism is a such a big tent (environmental liberals, economic liberals, social liberals, women’s rights liberals, civil rights liberals, immigration minded liberals, gay rights liberals, working poor liberals, union liberals, rich San Francisco liberals, there’s even a new category of dietary liberals which just basically means you don’t think kids should inhale 400 pounds of high fructose corn syrup a week…why this is worth a debate I’m not sure) that it’s almost impossible to give a good, stock example of what a liberal woman would look like. Roseanne, Hillary Clinton, Kerri Washington, Rosario Dawson, Michelle Obama, Rosie O’Donnell, that infernal she beast Lady Gaga…we’re torn apart between a hundred varieties of women from those who look like they could haul lumber for the local dockworkers union to the bleeding heart glamazons we wouldn’t mind telling us a little bit more about that starving village in Uganda.
So how do we even get a good representation of each type to compare against each other? Was there some type of breast size average index I couldn’t find? A symmetrical face chart? More racial diversity among the hotties on the liberal side (actually that one was a yes, and so that was a point in the liberal’s favor)? I started by taking the most generous stock example possible for both. I took a typical conservative blonde bimbo you might find working at Hooters or Delta Airlines (before Faux News or ESPN gives her her big break) and put her up against a more exotic woman you might find doing weekend reporting for CNN. It’s basically the old blondes vs. brunettes debate…so we ended up in another stalemate. Then it hit me: physical appearance was impossible to decide on, so why not take it to the bedroom, where I should have started?
After researching countless (three) articles in different magazines, I had an answer. Apparently, there is a distinct difference between conservatives and liberals in the bedroom. [I’ll spare you all the boring shit about the difference in the guys–conservative men apparently are more skilled but liberal men keep it fresher with more imagination–and dive right into the women]. In the most general sense, conservative women are seen as more desirable but harder to get into bed. Liberal women are seen as more willing, but more selfish…which seems to be guy code for “She wants to enjoy it as much as you do.”
So there you have it. Conservative women–I guess because of puritan values–can’t be seen as enjoying sex too much, so you have to really “trick” them into it by giving them half a beer or buying them an all expense paid vacation (although to me you’re the one being tricked if you have to take the same woman you’re seeing in Salt Lake City to Hawaii to get some). You have to work a lot harder but apparently men are willing to because it will be more about them when they get through Sarah Palin’s front door. Then there’s Hillary Clinton–bad example–then there’s Gwyneth Paltrow who enjoys it just as much as you do, who you don’t have to bribe into sex with expensive gifts, BUT wants to have equal pleasure at sex. In other words, they want a partner instead of a dominator…usually, I can’t emphasize this word enough, USUALLY.
So what wins:? The conservative woman who makes you do all your work upfront and then lets you eat your ice cream, or the liberal woman who says you can eat right away but it might be less like ice cream and more like…low fat, Vegan based ice cream, a compromise that she can eat too? Well…shit, we’re at a stalemate again…[I think now is that point in every article where the writer has backed themselves into a corner, so they open it up to the reader to answer it]…I mean, uhhhh…that’s up to you, the reader to decide which one is better. Thoughts?