So pretty much it’s borderline impossible to turn on the TV lately without seeing a collection of the ugliest TV actors I’ve ever seen: The Republican candidates for president. And naturally the “star” of the show is the only one who could pass for good looking, Mitt Romney. Now Bubba don’t care for this sausage-fest hogging up all the TV channels that bimbos passing themselves off as reporters ought to be occupying (it’s a pretty good joke that CNN hired Erin Andrews). [You try getting excited at Newt Gingrich’s de-bearded Santa Claus mug.]
I think today might mark some kind-of big barbecue or competitive food eating contest in South Carolina…I’m not really sure, don’t really care if Romney or Gingrich can eat the most hotdogs…but most of us forced to watch Mitt Romney can only really think about one thing: hot Mormon chicks, the most elusive of babes. Now these ladies aren’t known for talking much to guys like ole Bubba here. In fact, they aren’t really known for talking much at all as they’re about a half-step freer than Muslim women. Don’t let the Aryan looks and hatred of dark skin (which Mormons thought was a curse from God until the 1970’s made them change this belief) fool you folks, Mormon guys have more in common with Middle-Eastern guys than you might think.
So how do you pick up a woman in the world’s fastest growing cult, I mean…totally legitimate religion…without being a full fledged member of it yourself? I won’t lie to you and say it’s easy or even pretend they’re not about the second hardest group to crack (after, you guessed it, Middle Eastern women) but I think it can be done. After all, they can’t all be lined up to be the third wife of a 72 year old.
Tip 1: Go to Brigham Young University. This seems to be about the only place Mormon women are single as it’s the only place they’re at between high school and marriage. Tip 2: Do NOT smoke, drink, dip chewing tobacco, and if you drink cola for the love of Joseph Smith, make sure it’s caffeine free. Tip 3: As Mormons don’t drink, it’s a lot harder to trick them into a foolish one night stand, so you’ll have to compensate for this with the only vice Mormons allow themselves: ice cream. I know that Baskin Robbins isn’t as good a seduction spot as literally any bar, but you’ll have to improvise. Tip 4: Tell them you’re a Mormon.
Now they may not immediately believe that fourth tip (particularly if you don’t have close cropped hair, six pack abs, a general physique like you’re part of the Aryan Youth movement, and are comfortable with the idea of a woman president or having black friends) but you have to sell them on it. Better than selling them on it, it’s about the only way you’re going to get the time of day from Mormon women, but I hear it’s worth it. At least I can only assume as it’s pretty hard to get Mormon women to speak to me unless of course they’re saying I discriminate against them.
Hilarious
You crack me up!
It wasn’t until Mitt reared his closely groomed head that I looked into the history of the Mormon religion. Talk about depressing…a bunch of people joining a religion that was founded, not that long ago, by a crackpot and fraud.
Ever been to Salt Lake City? What a trip//////
Don’t want that for a president.