Whelp, today is Cinco De Mayo, some type of Mexican holiday where they learned to count to five or something…I’m not a Mexican historian.
What I do know is that it’s a great excuse to fire up the grill and make some delicious pork tacos, pork burritos, pork quesadillas, and deer fajitas (made with pork infused tortillas). Of course, all this time grilling for one—-sniff, hell no I ain’t crying, it’s just pepper in my eyes from cooking the spicy Mexican barbecue…made from a pork/deer mutation—-has made me realize how much better celebrating this fine joliday would be with my very own Latina, wait, that’s racist, I meant to say Mexican. [I didn’t want Guatemalans to get their hopes up.]
Now of course Alabama—-like any de-unionized, de-regulated rich man’s heaven/poor man’s hell state where workers can expect to put their lives at risk for wages that New Yorkers would consider a prank if you offered it to them—-has its fair share of illegal immigrants. [Well, it did before we passed a law making it illegal to give a Mexican a piece of gum, but that’s a different story.] So you’d think it would be easy to pick up Mexican chicks of questionable citizenship right? Wrong…
As it turns out, not all Mexicans are illegally in this country to steal my job and sponge our government resources. [I know dear reader, I was as surprised as you…Must write a letter to Fox News for further clarification on this.] So once you take away the “Green Card” angle, what did old Bubba have to lure them in with? Not much. So I sought out women that were illegal. And after some trial and error, I feel I can say this is the best way to go about it…
1. Wait Til Mexican Guy Leaves Them Alone For Five Seconds, Make Move. Let’s be straight up and admit that most illegal Mexican women in Alabama barely make eye contact with white guys, and aren’t more than a half step away from Muslim women when it comes to being out of their man’s sight for more than five seconds. So just wait until their Mexican “boyfriend” (sometimes Hector, sometimes Javier, either way approach with caution) quits shooting death rays at you with his eyes, goes to the bathroom to (presumably) scowl angrily at the mirror while flexing his biceps, and then quickly walk up to her and ask her out. At first she’ll be terrified, but once she understands that you’re not immigration trying to deport her or some freak trying to kidnap her, it should be smooth sailing.
2. Learn the Language. On me and Magdalena Maria Berenice Cortez-Cruz’s first date, I dazzled her with my conversational Spanish. Sample…
Me: Tacos [big smile]
Her: [Some shit in Spanish]
Me: Si
Her: [Smile] [Picks up a tortilla chip, eats it.] [Smiles again.] [Frantically starts jabbering.]
Me: Si
Her: [More jabbering…this time gets waiter at Mexican restaurant to translate.]
Waiter: She says that the man you saw her with is a human trafficker that told her he could take her to be with her family in Texas, but instead took her here and won’t let her leave.
Well loyal readers, needless to say I didn’t want to get mixed up in any ex-boyfriend drama, so I politely excused myself to go to the bathroom, and instead went out the front door.
All in all I’d say it was a wild success as I was actually able to secure a date with someone, and only further proof of the things you can do when you step outside your comfort zone. Maybe next I’ll stop by this trailer in the county limits that supposedly has some very friendly Mexican women who will be extra nice if you give their “brother” (that same guy who dated Magdalena! what are the odds?) twenty bucks for their time. Apparently, he just sits out there all day judging which guys are good enough to talk to his sisters by the time-tested method of seeing which guys have twenty dollars. Sounds like it could be fun…