The last few weeks haven’t been kind to Bubba’s Sex Tips. All this talk about debt ceiling fiascoes, credit downgrades, and nose diving stocks can make it seriously hard to find something in the news to get sexy about. [Sofia Vergara bouncing naked on a trampoline while reading stock reports probably couldn’t make them sexy.] I’ve been begging for a Sarah Palin nipple slip or a Michele Bachmann sex tape or for the much hotter Michelle (Obama) to come out of hiding, but no dice. HOWEVER…
With the recent number of Americans becoming “shelter challenged” (homeless), “an excited candidate willing to try a new line of work,” (out of a job) and “experiencing a new financial reality” (dead fucking broke), it’s time to think about how that effects dating. Just like most Americans are having to re-prioritize their investments strategies–like removing all your money from the stock market and investing it in sawed off shotguns, ammunition, and a closet full of toilet paper–it’s also time to rethink your dating strategies. Luckily, people from Alabama have always been more or less broke, and now it’s time to impart some helpful tips to suburbanites and urban businessmen alike in how to date in a busted economy:
1. Don’t be afraid to use a coupon…and by coupon I mean food stamps: Instead of rolling out the red carpet for some girl to enjoy a dinner at IHOP, ask her to enjoy a home cooked meal at your place. On a budget I recommend a bag of Lays potato chips (nearly a dollar less than Cheetos) and a block of WIC-bought government cheese. Also, melt the cheese. You can call it “Romantic Nachos” and play off the fact she’s always saying she hates going out and wants to spend more time at home watching TV with you. What’s that? A woman never says that? Moving on to point two..
2. Make sure she is worth your money (make sure she is interested in having sex with you): We’ve all been out with girls that just aren’t that interested in us but don’t want to be bored on a Saturday night. Typical signs of this include you asking her out and she says “I guess,” or “[sighs heavily] when?” Now as much as women might think they’re doing you a favor by agreeing to go out with you, it turns out that an un-enthused, dissatisfied, checking-her-watch-every-ten-minutes dining companion’s company isn’t really the money equivalent of appetizers, drinks, dinner, desert, and movie tickets, not to mention transportation costs (Bubba’s truck typically gets two miles to the gallon). We all have to make sacrifices in this terrible economy–I couldn’t afford the Mossberg pump shotgun I wanted for Arbor Day or the hand grenades, I mean, fireworks I wanted for 4th of July–and that includes prioritizing our dates into women who look pretty but aren’t interested into women who look interested but aren’t pretty. The best use of your dollar, of course, lies in the latter.
3. “Take it or leave it. It’s this or nothing.”: A girl would rather go to the movies at night instead of the matinee? Call it “shared sacrifice” and go for the matinee (it’s the same damn movie plus you’re guaranteed a screaming baby either way, whether it’s actual babies during the day or teenagers turned lose on a Saturday really makes no difference). Your wife is tired of eating at Pizza Hut and wants to go to Olive Garden? Act like your ear drums just fell off and speed past Olive Garden on your way to Pizza Hut.
Not everyone is going to get everything they want anymore. Sometimes you just have to say “It’s Taco Bell or nothing.” In fairness, redneck guys have already been doing this for about…since forever, so it’s good the economy finally caught up with us.
And what about tips for the ladies? Well, the first question you have to ask any guy is if he’s a big fan of Alabama Liberal. If he says no, dump him.
LMAO – funny.