So recently we have some headline-hogging Marines trying to derail the ceiling debt fight’s quest to monopolize all news, our government’s ongoing squabble over money the third one this year alone. [They are officially the married couple that should be divorced that people avoid at parties, Republicans the drunken, self-destructive husband who keeps ranting about how much money his wife spends and Democrats the doormat wife that occasional brings up the husband’s cheapness.] First, a Marine asked Mila Kunis to a Marine Ball. She didn’t really want to but her co-star and fellow publicity pimp Justin Timberlake decided he might as well pimp her out too and put her on the spot to say yes. Then a female Marine put JT–that’s Hollywood speak for Justing Timberlake and I just threw up a little using only his initials–on the spot by asking him out to the dance.
Every the crowd pleaser, JT said yes as well SO THEN–emboldened by two dispassionate “yeahs” instead of “We’ll have to talk to our manager to see if we’re busy that night but we definitely will be busy that night”–another Marine set his sights on ultimate Hollywood sex Goddess Betty White. And I have to say how dare he? Angelina Jolie? Could care less. Salma Hayek? Ehh. Reese Witherspoon? Take her to the ball and don’t bring her back. But all time hottest woman on the planet Betty White? You’ve gone too far! [In a related note, Linda Hamilton of Terminator 2 Bicep Hall of Fame ASKED to go to the ball but so far no one has been brave enough to ask her, perhaps fearing the first ever case of a male Marine getting raped. Still, she’s holding out hope and preparing by doing 500 one handed pushups a night.]
So right here and right now I would like to ask out the crazy hottest woman on the planet: Michelle Bachmann. Presidential Hopeful(ly Not) Bachmann, you laser eyed psycho queen of scare tactics, will you accompany me to the Sons of the Confederacy Ball in Bumblefuck two fortnights after the government shutdown? Now I know you have a proud, homophobic, and most likely gay husband. I also know it will be hard for you to take time off from running for President, raising 5 children, a cult of kidnapped children you pretend are foster kids, and having splitting migraine headaches (at least until you label them messages from God). But I know you will make me the bell of the “South Will Rise Again and Secede From the Federal Government Ball” if you come. And, let’s face it, you and Rick Perry will probably be there anyway.