Maxim Magazine——a great read if you like seeing naked women…that are fully clothed and you haven’t heard about Playboy, Hustler, or something called “the internet”——-just proclaimed Miley Cyrus as the World’s Hottest Woman.
My immediate reaction was “Isn’t Billy Ray too old to be the world’s hottest woman?” Then someone explained that the mulletted former country star (what’s that—–he’s not former? He’s still making music?) isn’t an exceptionally hot small-town lesbian, but is instead a man, and isn’t eligible for the list. Then that same know-it-all explained that it’s Billy Ray’s gangly, buck-toothed daughter (who looks like she’s got about ten extra-teeth for her mouth) who won the title.
My second reaction was that it must be April Fool’s Day. My third reaction was “Shit…I thought it was May, am I so drunk I mixed up the date?…By more than a month?” It’s time to cool it with my favorite beer: wood-grain alcohol.
Then I actually looked up Miley Cyrus, and after some confusing SNL parodies (who knew that wasn’t a real talk show?) I discovered a young woman who’s recently changed her hair to short blonde, looking more like a sophisticated, big-city lesbian from the 80’s than Billy Ray’s rural rug-muncher hairstyle. I was impressed…but not even remotely willing to consider her as the hottest woman in the world. Below, my humble suggestions…
Rachel Maddow…There’s just something so mysterious about her. We’ve never seen her with a guy, and really don’t know what her type is. I like that.
Elizabeth Warren…Yeah, she’s a communist, but Bubba’s got a thing for forbidden fruit you know?
Heidi Klum…She’s dated everything but a redneck, so why not?
Kim Kardashian…I’m just now learning about this charming TV personality. I can’t say there’s much out there about her (in the Encyclopedias I own) but I have a feeling she’s going to be famous one day. Plus, just by looking at her, I can tell she probably only dates white rednecks.
Kim Jung Un…Sure, she’s a chubby Asian and not “classically beautiful,” but there’s something hot about a chick with power.