Bubba’s Sex Tips: Is It Now Time For Bubba to…[Shudder]…Become a Liberal?

By | December 8, 2012

I know I haven’t written much in this post-election hellhole that American has become. What with President Black Panther winning a second term, Comrade Warren being elected to the senate, an openly gay senator being elected, a record number of women being sent to congress, gay marriage being voted in in three states——-God, it’s all I can do to keep from killing myself before finishing this list——and marijuana being legalized in two states. [Actually, that last one’s not so bad.]

Needless to say, Bubba and most of Redneck America have been in a pretty deep funk since then. I’ve been spending some quiet time building an underground fort, stockpiling canned goods, rustling up all my VHS tapes of old Andy Griffith Show episodes so I’ll have something to watch, and adding to my already extensive assault rifle collection. So much so that my favorite Mossberg pump double-barrell shotgun, Betsy, has grown jealous.

Now news has come that Jim DeMint (America’s favorite senator) has resigned from the senate, and, going out the door with him, racists/homophobes/sexist-pigs/old-world-mentalities-in-general have lost a powerful voice. Sigh…so what’s Bubba to do?

Is it now time to give up on everything I’ve always believed (courtesy of upbringing, church, and ten generations of Bubba’s family being in the Southeast) and become…and I can’t believe I’m saying this…a liberal? What might that even look like? The mind wanders…[wavy lines like the ones that would signify a dream sequence in some hack sitcom.]

Begin Fantasy Sequence

Liberal Bubba walks into Whole Foods, demands to know why the doughnuts aren’t something called “gluten free” whatever the fuck gluten is. He picks up some verrrrrrry foreign sounding “croissants” instead and takes them home to his wife. [What, I’m married as a liberal? And it isn’t to a man?] She’s very beautiful but not American, and they have two adopted kids that they love, and everyone is happy, and no one has to turn to guns and violence to deal with the misery that is their lives.

End Fantasy Sequence Immediately

Whoa, whoa, whoa…A foreign wife? Adopted kids? No guns and threat of violence constantly lingering in the air? A life that’s actually happy and not full of bitterness and regret and drunken rage? Real love instead of just getting the first single mom that’s available? No! Never! I guess I’ll just have to keep a conservative, even if it’s out of style.

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