As a huge fucking redneck and an Alabama resident, I looooooooove me some Alabama football. I post nothing but “Roll Tide!” and “Fuck you All-Barn!” on my Facebook page. I have an impressive collection of Alabama football caps, not to mention I wear a shirt that in some way says I’m an Alabama fan at least 5 times a week. And my Saturdays are shut down during football season, someone so much as calling me during an Alabama game likely to get them on my shit list. [Sample dialogue: “You want to go to the movies today?”….Bubba: “Don’t you know Alabama is playing bitch?!!!!!”]
But, lately, someone posed a horrifying question to me. See, as proud as I am of my Crimson Tide, and their three championships in four years, only the 3rd time in history that’s happened. [I know, I know, I’m a proud papa right now.] As proud as I am, someone (probably a communist, a queer, or, worst of all, a Northerner) asked…
“Has Alabama won too much?” Hell no, next question. “Are they now the New York Yankees of college sports?”
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! The Yankees! NOOOOOOOOOO! When they posed this question, I threw up, cried, and shouted all at the same time. My nose started bleeding, and I’m damn near sure my eyes were bleeding too.
How in the hell can someone compare my beloved Alabama team to the Jew York Millionaires? I mean, is he out of his mind? The Yankees buy talent and wins, and win nearly every year so people hate them. Alabama has the most expensive coach in the country, and sells more merchandise than any college team to….uhhhh….buy wins and win nearly every year so that some people resent us. I mean, clearly…it’s…uhhh…two totally different things. Yeah, I know they are.