First I’d like to take an irrelevant moment to point out my excitement over Microsoft Word recognizing the word MILF and not saying it’s a typo. However, if you try to get away with not capitalizing each initial, it won’t accept that as “correct” and maybe it shouldn’t since saying Mom I’d Like to Fuck probably should be capitalized. And it might just be the first stand alone word in the English language that should be followed by an exclamation point.
Also, Microsoft Word refuses to give synonyms for MILF or define it, making it the Word equivalent of when a kid asks one of their parents about sex and they refer him to the other parent. So I’ll define it here, MILF: 1. What any and all eligible women between the ages of 22 (or 19 in Alabama years) and death will probably be in any rural Southern town, 2. What you get in a strict conservative state that’s sex education program consists of “Don’t do it” and special episodes of Full House where one of the girls chooses a bowl of ice cream with her dad over doing it, thus sending the odds of an accidental pregnancy sky rocketing because hardly ANYONE is on birth control that doesn’t involve rubber, 3. What you’ll create if you leave birth control in the hands of a woman that might confuse skittles for the pill because of a lack of exposure. If you ask a woman what type of pill she’s on and she talks about medication used to quit smoking, you might want to recommend one.
Of course, there is an elusive MILF tigress few men are even bold enough to approach, lest they get a police report filed on them for “sexual harassment” by asking for a phone number. Of course, I’m talking about Tiger moms. You might wonder why some would even bother approaching them, but then you remember your last date with a regular MILF (or Kitten mom) where her rowdy ass brats screamed in your face, broke your cell phone—but not before they could dial 911—inexplicably, somehow punctured a hole in one of your tires, and cursed you out in the TEN minutes it took her to introduce you to them before bolting into your car to go get hammered at Ruby Tuesdays. [Nobody gets drunk at the home of the 2 dollar salad bar but 10 dollar drinks. If your date’s getting hammered there, there are some serious problems circling those sleep deprived eyes]. Then on the second date she recommends you do something with her and her kids (translation: grooming their new daddy) and they act so awful you suddenly start to sympathize with all those child beaters you’ve always thought scum as they’re hauled away on the five o’clock news.
At the corner of the park where her kids are unexplainably managing to destroy the cast iron monkey bars you notice a perfectly nice boy playing violin in the sandbox as a stealth hottie of a mom—who would look pretty great out from under that stern expression—scowls at him for missing the second note or however the fuck violin music is measured. You see a better future with a kid you can actually stand to be around and runs circles around you mentally. You can take him to see Spaghetti with a Chance of Meatballs in 3D. He can file your taxes. Perfect step son/father bonding moment versus telling spoiled rotten kitten mom’s kids it isn’t polite to stab you in the leg with the broken shards of an expensive toy you bought them.
Now it won’t be easy landing one of these tiger moms as Asian women are statistically the least likely to be single moms in the United States, but when you actually find one that is single and willing, try one of these ice breakers: “You’re right, it is horribly unfair that our wretched public school system limits the number of grades you can skip. It was all downhill after they cut advanced trig from 6th grade math.” “Why won’t Dartmouth allow a 14 year old to enroll? That’s bullshit” “I’m friends with someone that manages a really good afterschool program. Let’s talk about getting your son into it over lunch.”
hahahahaha
LMAO – dude how do you come up with this? You’re good!
oh damn this is hilarious
You are a very bright person!
I have been reading out many of your stories and it’s pretty clever stuff. I will definitely bookmark your website.
Great post