Bubba is firmly of the opinion that all thoseĀ Hollywood liberalsĀ (and I hope you can feel the disdain through the italics, as I surely would verbally emphasize the hell out of those words in disgust) should just shut the hell up with their politics and constantly ramming their liberal beliefs down my throat by doing bullshit commie work like…raising awareness of water treatment in third world countries (Damon), lobbying congress to do more in Congo (Affleck), adopting kids and raising houses in New Orleans (the Pitts), saving some people from certain death in Haiti (Sean Penn)…ugggghhhhh. I mean, what a bunch of assholes…with their caring for other people and their good deeds.
Pssshhh, who do they think they are? Washed-up country music singers (like John Rich or, even better, Hank Williams Jr…who gives an interview a week talking about how much he hates Obama) or Jenna Jameson (proud Romney supporter—-seriously)? Unless you’re the artist behind “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” or a porn star (who started out doing anything for a buck and gradually whored herself into multiple millions…the perfect Republican), I don’t want to hear your politics! We all know that Republican celebrities are uniquely qualified to tell us about politics in a way that liberal celebrities just aren’t. Any fool can plainly see that Hank “Obama is Hitler” Williams the backwoods drunk is a much more articulate, rational political observer than someone like George Clooney, who has testified before congress on the issue of Sudan.
Which is why I was so thrilled to see my third favorite type of politically active celebrity—–the washed up 80’s action star (Stallone, Willis, and of course Schwarzenegger—–take the stage at the RNC. And, of course, it was the most active of Republican stars: 82-year-old Clint Eastwood, who, unlike most conservative celebrities, is actually still working.
And I was especially excited to discover a new way of conflict resolution: debating an empty chair. “Eastwooding” has already become an overnight sensation. In fact, I was pleased to try it myself, because, let’s face it, there are some really snooty fucking chairs out there that really need to be put in their place. [Although if you argue with benches in Central Park—-as all schizophrenic homeless people do—-then you’re just crazy.]
Bubba: “Just who do you think you are?”
Chair (playing the role of my boss): [Dead silence]
Bubba: “Do you think anyone likes you? Well, they don’t. So how do you like that, asshole?”
Chair/Boss: [Nothing].
Bubba: “Why don’t you shut the hell up?! I’m tired of you interrupting me. You’re just like all of my other make believe antagonists like illegal immigrants, gay spouses, and the New Black Panthers. I’ve had it up to here with all these people ruining my life that I don’t interact with at all.”
Chair/Boss: [A slightly creaking noise].
Bubba: “Well, apology excepted.”
Chair/Boss: [Crickets].
Bubba: “What’s that? You think I’m smart and making a lot of reasonable points? This is one of the best conversations I’ve ever had. No wonder Republicans don’t like to talk to non-Republicans much.”