It seems like every magazine for women (or, at least, the kind of women who don’t like to hunt) involves some type of…sex quiz or “What would you do?” orrrrrr “What kind of man would you like?” and so on. Well, as usual, I decide to practice an extreme form of empathy like my good buddies Todd Akin and Murdoch (who just can’t stop thinking about what it might be like to get raped and what they would do in that situation) and take one of these sex-quizzes myself.
1. If you could sleep with any man (or, in my case, were forced to with a Mossberg double-pump shotgun to your head), who would it be? My answer: I don’t like entertaining the idea of playing butt darts with anyone, but it would have to be Bill Clinton…Don’t like his politics, but you just know that silver-tongued devil could change your world.
2. Do you like doggie-style? Answer: Actually, I prefer bear-on-deer-style, which is where an unsuspected partner gets ambushed in a hormonal frenzy.
3. What’s your favorite position? Answer: There are different ones? Shit, what kind of filthy magazine is this? One that cares about a lady’s pleasure? Cause Bubba and all rednecks ain’t down with that.
4. What’s the most attractive feature on a woman? Answer: Tits…Oh wait, women don’t like it when guys are so obvious, so I’ll say “eyes.” [Which is a euphemism for tits.]
5. What’s your wildest fantasy? Answer: I can’t say I get that involved with it, but let’s just say me, a tub of butter, Clay Aiken’s greatest hits, and the WNBA’s New York Liberty dancers get to know each other a little better.