Well it’s that time of year again. The time when the fed-er-al government decides to put its imperialist boots on the necks of confederate states and make us pay taxes. All across the nation, taxes are due this Monday, so make sure you file them, or better yet, don’t.
Bubba hasn’t filed taxes in…well, ever. And I don’t plan to start paying now. Of course, this in no way hinders my ability to complain non-stop about taxes with my equally non-taxed Tea Party brethren or fail to understand that the tax rates in blue states are much higher than in red ones or that the people I hate so much in New York are actually subsidizing Alabama. No, I won’t pay any attention to that, but I will list some commonly overlooked tax deductions you should take advantage of, you know, if you’re actually fool enough to pay the Imperialist Revenue Service…
1. Cows. I’m not sure exactly what kind-of cows are tax deductible, but I understand they are. [Little known fact that farmers are the biggest welfare divas of all.] Although, for some fool ass reason, the cows actually have to be alive at the end of the year, and they will not count hunting them off the back of a flat-bed truck as a “sporting expense” nor a “good time expense.”
2. Guns. Before Obama gets his commie hands on my gun collection, why not list them as dependents? Between little Bobby (my rifle), grandma Bessie (my shotgun), and my other two dozen children (various handguns and assault rifles), I’ve got plenty of dependents to get money back from the government…if those bastards didn’t insist I actually earn money to get back deductions. Another classic federal scam.
3. Strippers. I am not technically sure if you can count them as dependents, but you should be able to. After all the money I’ve dropped at “Big Al’s Titty Barn,” Loretta has surely saved up enough money to finish college by now, after all she’s been telling me she’s a student for the six years I’ve known her.
Unfortunately, those loathsome feds have not yet agreed to my request to count all illegal immigrants as dependents (a great idea I got in an email), or follow my logic that I’m supporting them with my tax dollars, since apparently there’s some bullshit about them actually paying more taxes than me after income tax is deducted, but whatever. Whenever someone blabs on about complex financial matters, all I have to do is say “The deficit is too high!,” call myself a conservative, and everyone will think I know what I’m talking about.
Funny dude.