So this week’s latest pseudo-versy involved Anthony Weiner–the razor sharp congressmen–turning into a complete moron and sending a picture of his Johnson, excuse me, his Weinberger to a follower on Twitter. The media is covering this 24/7 even though no actual sex seems to have taken place. I guess real sex scandals like Arnold’s secret love child just aren’t doing it for them anymore. So Weiner finds himself in the unpleasant company of Brett Favre and the question remains “When is the right time to send out a picture of your penis?”
First, ask yourself the following questions: “Where has our relationship been and where is it headed? Is sending a picture of my junk going to take it to that next level?” Do you often find yourself saying “I’m fulfilled in our current relationship of exchanging sex messages but I want a deeper commitment. I want her to only be creeped out by me. I’m not ready to propose, but I am ready to send her a picture of my dick.”
Second, work out some simple cock logistics like “Is sending a picture of my erect penis a little too formal? Are we at a comfortable level where I can send one out flaccid? Are we comfortable enough I can send one out in bright light in a cold room?” Think of how pretty your penis needs to be to receive the desired outcome. [Author’s note: Getting your penis camera ready may prove challenging as most penises have the charm of the world’s ugliest hammer.]
Third, think of the right words to go along with this special occasion. If texting, a poem would be nice at the top, right above your penis. Something along the lines of “The sun’s burning light pales in comparison to my passion for you. Now check out my dick.” If tweeting, keep in mind you’ll be inhibited by the 140 character limit, have short rhymes for cock at the ready.
Follow these rules and you should be set. Except that women never want a picture of a man’s penis…not ever. The short answer as to when they want to see a picture of your penis? Never. The long answer? No really, never. Unless they ask you for it, you’d better be okay with getting blocked from facebook/twitter/her IPhone/Appleby’s because that is what will happen if you show your penis. If it makes you feel better, think of it the way my mom explained my report card to me “Even if you’re proud of it, others don’t need to see it, they might get jealous.”