Bubba Can’t Bring a Gun in Starbucks Anymore? What is This, France?

By | September 21, 2013

Just earlier this week I was buying my 14th semi-automatic rifle (you know, in case a burglar breaks into my worthless trailer to steal all my other guns, by far the most valuable thing there…and I grow 12 more hands to fire 14 guns at him simultaneously) when I discovered some truly horrific news: Starbucks CEO said he’d really prefer it if his customers didn’t bring guns into their stores.

Is it a demand that people not bring guns into their stores? No. Is it a new policy that will absolutely forbid it? No. It seems more like a mere suggestion—-a smooth-jazz version of gun control—-and is that perfectly reasonable? HELL NO!!! I should be able to bring an arsenal into a bar, a church, a kid’s playground, or my weekly meeting for Paranoid Schizophrenics that Think The Government’s After Their Guns. [Oh boy, we’ll have plenty to talk about this week, but since most of the other members are my gun collection dressed up like real people, I imagine I’ll be doing most of the talking.]

Now Starbucks apparently sells something called frappuccinos (no word on whether or not this is a synonym for “Italian penises,” I haven’t been able to get my translation software to work, mostly because I don’t know how to use it) and some hellish concoction known as Whip-Cream Covered Iced Caramel Lattes that looks more like a quick way to get diabetes than anything resembling coffee.

I can’t say that I’ve ever been there before, but they can kiss my business goodbye! Mike’s Gas and Guns convenience store covered all of my coffee needs before, and they’ll continue to do so until Armageddon starts. The end of the world—-judging by a soft-liberal, overpriced coffee chain’s suggestion that I not freak out the people who might actually be customers at Starbucks (you know, brainwashed liberals that think someone carrying an AK-47 into a coffee shop is somehow threatening)—-should be right around the corner.

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