Ordinarily, I hate talking about trips and traveling and traveling trip tips make me sick to my stomach in addition to being damn hard to say. I mean, whenever someone puts up a trip on facebook or shows me pictures of somewhere they’ve been I’m thinking “Looking at someone else having a good time is really more of a punishment than a treat…what emergency can I make up to keep from looking at these fucking pictures?”
However, Bubba wants to get in on the travel porn racket of talking about fun places to go (I’m pretty sure there’s at least 3 people that still watch the Travel Channel, the channel that definitely proves people like torturing themselves watching things they’ll never get to do), so I decided to make a list of things to do in Vegas when you’re NOT single. Mostly because the list I made of things to do when you’re single (1. Prostitutes, 2. Escorts, 3. Ladies of the Evening, 4. Hookers, 5. Whores) really lacked variety.
7. Ride the Vegas monorail all the way to the end where the last stop is the Stardust casino. Take one look, a deep breath (it’s the only non-smoky place on the strip, which must be a Mecca for smokers) and immediately get on the next monorail headed in the other direction because there ain’t shit you want to see out there.
6. Go Walk around The Venetian. It’s pretty nice and shit, there’s gondola rides on the inside of it and stuff, yeah, pretty cool, if you’re into that kind of fancy stuff it’s probably the nicest casino on the strip. [Bubba sweats buckets of nervous class insecurity]
5. Eat at the Bellagio buffet for dinner or lunch, or do like me and show up the last 5 minutes of serving lunch, pay a lunch price, but get a dinner meal.
4. You guessed it, eat again (man, being in a relationship rules out a lot of things besides stuffing your face), but this time at Paris’s breakfast buffet. Paris the casino is just generally swanky and nice and is the closest Bubba might ever come to actual Paris, but their food is excellent. Breakfast has a thing you can make your own crepes with that almost made me appreciate more than greasy American “food” packaged in a different state than you’re eating it in.
3. Rent a car, go out into the desert, see the Hoover Dam, do NOT murder an In and Out employee just to see if you can get away with it, bury him the desert, and drive back. DO just enjoy the Dam, the desert air, the mountains, and the world before the one we have now.
2. Go see the Bellagio fountain. You might think “Well, what’s so great about a fountain?” Well, I’ll tell you hypothetical asshole. The fountain shoots in different directions, different lengths, sounds like a damn war cannon going off, and is timed to music to play different things depending on the song. It is, quite simply, better than any fountain you’ve ever seen or might drink out of—take that, fountain outside Kmart—and also if you’re at the Bellagio and enjoy things that make me sexually insecure go inside and look at the flower garden filled with things out of a Dr. Seuss book.
1. Speaking of things that question your sexuality, there’s Cirque De Soleil’s O. There’s nothing obviously homoerotic about this (it’s probably less homoerotic than football if I can speak freely without getting shot between the eyes) but it is pretty arty for the circus. Good arty, with men covered in flames, jumping off high dives, and just generally strange imagery that combines to make a moving oil painting. I’ve heard KA—the martial arts one—and Zumanity—the sexual one, which will satisfy my love of women in body paint and animal costumes—are almost as good, and I want to see them too, but for now I’ll just recommend this one. Unless you got a problem with that?! Let’s arm wrestle!
Love it! You’ll also make a good travel guide writer.
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Super-Duper blog! I am loving it!! Will be back later to read some more. I am bookmarking your feeds also
Super job on the write-up. A number of thanks for sharing it with us, you must have gone through plenty of work to complete it so well.