I hope you and Mrs. Claus are doing well. [What is her name by the way? She should have a name. I want to recommend “Ashanti Claus.”] Hopefully, all is well with the North Pole–which I hear is suffering heavily from climate crisis–and bless the Elf Labor Union as well.
It may seem presumptuous for a grown man to be asking for anything from you, and I know that typically once someone has student loan debt they get cut off. All of that is fair, and I don’t want to take too much of your time away from the world’s children, who desperately need your gifts while there is still (mostly) breathable air.
And I’m not even 100% sure I would be on the nice list, although people now receive a lot of things they don’t deserve (Supreme Court Justice seats, the Presidency), and really only want one thing from you for the rest of this decade. [Trick! Aren’t I clever.]
Please remove President Psychopath from office. To be honest, it’s not just for me you would be doing this, but rather for the world’s children. For example(s)…
–Children need role models, he is not one. It’s been proven that children need positive role models to look up to, and the President of the United States is a great place to start. However, our current President has been sued 3,500 times, ripped off most people he’s ever employed, cheated on nearly everyone he’s ever met (including all three of his wives), stiffed his youngest daughter on child support, waxed philosophically on how he wants to stiff his eldest daughter in another way, made fun of everyone from veterans to the physically handicapped, teaches children to hate anyone who’s different, has dozens of sexual harassment allegations, bragged about how he can “get away with” sexual assault in an Access Hollywood tape, lies like most people breathe, and even most of his fans are embarrassed/ashamed of at least some of the things he’s done.
My mother–who has a permanent spot on the nice list–taught school for 40 years, and in her final year she heard children saying “build that wall” to Mexican classmates as a taunt, and the phrase “grab ’em by the pussy.” She would have never heard kids saying this 10 years ago. People may criticize parents for letting their kids watch mature TV shows, but these are on “60 Minutes.” I’ll repeat: children need good role models.
–Most of his pals are on the Naughty List. Trump has heaped praise on heartless tyrants like Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Xi Jinping, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Betsy DeVos, Anne Coulter…This basically is the “Naughty List.” Meanwhile, he routinely bullies that nice Justin Trudeau kid…and Mayor Pete…and Greta Thunberg…and pretty much anyone who is younger than him and more virtuous, which is…almost everyone.
–He treats children horribly. Not only did he start a Twitter feud with Greta Thunberg (gone bonkers with jealousy that a 16 year old girl was chosen as Time’s Person of the Year instead of him, then making someone in his staff release a doctored photo of him winning the title), but in an official White House phone call last Christmas, he even told a 7-year-old girl that you don’t exist. Now maybe he’s just going after Greta because he’s secretly in love with her (she’s very white and his preferred age…and he once said a 10 year old girl would become “his future wife”), but why go out of his way to ruin you for a 7 year old? That’s got to piss you off.
–No seriously, he’s horrible to children. In addition to threatening to molest them on an individual level, there’s the macro-damage he’s doing to them by locking up thousands of children and separating them from their parents; not to mention cutting various financial aid programs to children and squeezing their parents in other ways. Then there’s the really macro-damage of destroying the planet for future children by refusing to honor even mild, largely symbolic climate crisis action like the Paris Climate Agreement; trying to create a coal resurgence; refusing to do anything on climate or pollution or even admit climate crisis is real; and appointing a cabinet that is mostly made up of Captain Planet villains (Scott Pruitt, Rex Tillerson, Rick Perry).
In closing, I’m hoping you can grant this nice…ish adult this one-time Christmas wish. For all the above reasons and countless more, I think it’d be best for the world’s children. It would also be best for you personally–again, the North Pole is melting (in no small part due to climate-denying politicians like Trump) and you probably don’t want to relocate Santa’s workshop to Detroit, especially while Trump is in charge of it.
P.S.–You never got me the giraffe I asked for from ages 5-to-25. You owe me.