165 movies were seen by me in 2013, and now it’s time to list what I thought of them all, below is the worst, the mediocre, and the absolute best of 2013! As always, just because two films share the same letter grade doesn’t mean they’re equal, and the rankings reflect how I would stack them against each other. Perhaps it’s telling that I had a much harder time picking a movie bad enough to be the “Worst” of 2013 than I did finding a 20 “Best” list. All in all, a pretty great year for movies…
The Worst Movie of 2013: “We’re the Millers” I’ll admit that I had a really, really hard time picking the “winner” of this dubious distinction, and really any movie in the bottom 10 could have been it. I chose “We’re the Millers” because it was so inexplicably popular at the box office, most people seem to think it’s a good movie, and the premise would actually make for a terrific drama…just not a safe studio comedy that’s pretending to be edgier than it really is while forcing to find its lead characters “likable.”
Runner-Up: Meet the Peeples. Sure, it’s just a generically bad studio comedy, but when a rip-off of Meet the Parents is this blatant (and shoved into theaters during the crowded May month like audiences will just eat it up) I feel it’s just a little bit worse than the rest.
163. Movie 43: D
162. Grown Ups 2: D
161. The Getaway: D
160. The Counselor: D…A shockingly bad movie that should have been really good.
159/158. A Good Day to Die Hard/A Bullet to the Head: D…Two generic 80’s-throwback action movies trying to capitalize on the trend The Expendables started.
157. Olympus Has Fallen: D…Speaking of generic 80’s throwback-action movies. If you see only one White House under siege movie this year, make sure it’s White House Down.
156. Only God Forgives: D
155. Somebody Up There Likes Me: D
154. The Lone Ranger: D
153. All the Boys Love Mandy Lane: D+
152. The Purge: D+…Cool premise that wasn’t properly executed
151. Adore: D+
150. You’re Next: D+…I wanted to like this horror movie, but there was just something so generic, yet thoroughly ugly at its core.
149. Machete Kills: D+…One day Robert Rodriguez will figure out that making a deliberately-bad movie doesn’t make it less bad.
148. Hansel and Gretel: D+
147. Fast and Furious 6: D+…I know it’s blasphemy but these movies are getting really played out.
146. The Host: D+
145. G.I. Joe Retaliation: D+
144. Riddick: D+
143. Out of the Furnace: D+…A “serious drama” that feels artificial and forced.
142. The Last Stand: D+
141. Phantom: D+
Note: Most movies are given between a C- and a C+…as it should be. None of these are entirely worthless viewing experiences but C or C- aren’t ones I would run out to have again. Some C+’s are actually pleasant, but you’ll able to skip them altogether and not really be missing much.
140. The Internship: C-
139. Girl Most Likely: C-
138. The Wall: C-
137. Percy Jackson 2: C-
136. Planes: C-
135: 21 & Over: C-
134: The Family: C-
133. Walking with Dinosaurs: C-
131. Bad Grandpa: C-
130. Snitch: C-
129. Red 2: C-
128. The Hangover 3: C-
127. Turbo: C-
126. Jobs: C-
125: After Earth: C-
124: Gimme the Loot: C-
123. Vehicle 19: C-
122. Gangster Squad: C- …Although I loved Sean Penn as Mickey Cohen
121. R.I.P.D. C- …But Jeff Bridges almost single-handedly saves this movie
120. The Past: C- …I know most critics would disagree and say I’m being way too harsh, but it isn’t right to grade a thoroughly joyless film high just because of its pedigree.
119. Identity Thief: C …A generic programmer that feels like a holdover from the 90’s, but Jason Bateman kills it as the straight man.
118. Jack the Giant Slayer: C
117. The Heat: C
116. Despicable Me 2: C
115. Rush: C
114. Oldboy: C
113. The Call: C
112. Europa Report: C
111. Parkland: C
110. Kevin Hard: Let Me Explain: C
109. War Witch: C
108. Lovelace: C
107. 47 Ronin: C I really wanted to like this movie, but it’s just not exciting or interesting enough.
106. I Give It a Year: C
105. Frances Ha: C
104. Epic: C
103. Ender’s Game: C
102. The To-Do List: C
101. Disconnect: C
100. Oz the Great and Powerful: C
99. Blackfish: C …I know, I’m a monster for not thinking this very limited SeaWorld expose isn’t the best film of the year.
98. Oblivion: C
97. The Girl: C
96. Upside Down: C
95. Thor 2: C …I know, I know, but I just really felt this was a joyless and uninvolving sequel to a much better original
94. The Way Way Back: C …It’s actually an overrated film, not quite the indie-underdog-that-could
93. To the Wonder: C
92. Delivery Man: C
91. The World’s End: C …Sorry Simon Pegg lovers, this film just really isn’t very good
90. Beautiful Creatures: C
89. Iron Man 3: C
88. 2 Guns: C
87. Dirty Wars: C
86. Man of Steel: C …A movie I really wanted to like more than I did.
85. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2: C
84. At Any Price: C
83. Trance: C …A bad movie, but a great femme fatale in Rosario Dawson
82. The Fifth Estate: C
81. August: Osage County: C+
80. The Killing Season: C+
79. John Dies at the End: C+
78. White House Down: C+
77. Upstream Color: C+ …One day I will understand this beautiful and scattershot film, but not today
76. Inside Llewyn Davis: C+
75. The Company You Keep: C+
74. The Bling Ring: C+
73. Broken City: C+
72. Touchy Feely: C+
71. The Sapphires: C+
70. Admission: C+
69. Cutie and the Boxer: C+
68. Ricky Jay: Deceptive Practice: C+
67. Anchor man 2: C+ …A movie I wanted to like more than I did
66. Last Vegas: C+ …A movie I wanted to like less than I did
65. The Short Game: C+ …Adorable kids play golf, the feature length equivalent of one of those funny cat videos on YouTube
64. Lone Survivor: C+
63. The Hunt: C+
62. Kick Ass 2: C+
61. Thanks for Sharing: C+ …Not quite as bad as you’ve heard
60. The Conjuring: C+ …Not quite as good as you’ve heard
59. Closed Circuit: C+ …A fairly good conspiracy potboiler but a little too slow and safe
58. Runner Runner: C+
57. The Reluctant Fundamentalist: C+
56. The Iceman: C+ …Scary good performance from Michael Shannon
55. Grude Match: C+ …Mediocre but likable film
54. Stand-Up Guys: C+ …Same!
53. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone: C+ …Also! That’s three “good” movies to watch on HBO during a slow weekend
52. Saving Mr. Banks: C+
51. Pacific Rim: C+
50. Now You See Me: C+
49. In a World: C+
48. Frozen Ground: B- …It may feel insane to rank a Nic Cage thriller this high, but the movie’s not bad
47. Una Noche: B-
46. The Square: B-
45. Shadowdancer: B-
44. The Great Gatsby: B-
43. Spring Breakers: B- …A disjointed, minor-league movie made whole by James Franco’s great performance
42. 42: B- …See what I did there? Pretty clever huh?
41. The Butler: B-
40. Twenty Feet From Stardom: B-
39. Blue is the Warmest Color: B- …Still, a great lead performance though
Note: The fact that there’s thirty eight movies that received a grade of B or better only shows how much better this year was for movies than the last couple. I would recommend watching any of these movies.
38. The Wolverine: B …Perhaps the only underrated superhero film of the year
37. Hunger Games 2: B
36. The Croods: B
35. Drinking Buddies: B
34. Star Trek 2: B
33. Side Effects: B
32. Monsters University: B
31. Somm: B
30. World War Z: B
29. Room 237: N/A [This movie technically came out in 2012, but it’s too good to leave off the list…but also not eligible for the top 20.] See it though
28. The Place Beyond the Pines: B
27. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty: B
26. Call Me Kuchu: B
25. Pain and Gain: B+
24. The Attack: B+
23. The East: B+
22. Fruitvale Station: B+
21. Prisoners: B+ …This film wins the “so close but no cigar” award.
Note: “The Top Twenty” because a top ten list just isn’t enough, although very careful consideration was put into deciding exactly which one of these movies goes into each slot.
20. Elysium…This movie was deeply flawed (Sharlto Copley’s villain was off-puttingly over the top) but still interesting enough to watch, particularly in IMAX.
19. We Steal Secrets: The Story of Wikileaks…The real-life Julian Assange is a better character than “The Fifth Element” could ever recreate. This documentary isn’t just enlightening, it’s exciting.
18. The Hobbit 2…The most fun, truly entertaining Tolkien/Jackson collaborations. There are scenes of grandeur and play (like that barrel waterfall chase or the introduction of Smaug) that felt like they were finally, finally delivering the fantasy-movie goods without the stoicism.
17. The Act of Killing…A subtly unforgettable documentary in which former Indonesian gangsters-turned-death-squad-leaders are asked to recreate their crimes, and only one of them really learns anything from it. The others are so uncurious about their actions it’s terrifying.
16. Captain Phillips…Director Paul Greengrass somehow took a huge star and a bunch of Minnesota-based non-professional Somalian actors and made each moment feel almost-real. And there’s nothing “almost” about the tension.
15. Dallas Buyer’s Club…Perfect film? No, but the performances are superb, and so is the very real warning against the collusion between the FDA and US drug companies; exposes a system where it’s hard to tell who’s regulating whom and who’s just protecting corporate profits but does so in the most entertaining way possible.
14. The Spectacular Now…A pitch-perfect high school romance where we root for Miles Teller’s casual drunk to realize that the perfect girl is right in front of him.
13. Mud…As close to a Mark Twain story as you can get without him writing it. In its own quiet way, the film (about a romantic fugitive who mentors/uses an equally idealistic teenager) has a lot to say about young love and why it might just be more painful for boys than girls.
11. and 12. Gasland 2 and Pandora’s Promise…Two very counterintuitive and informative documentaries. “Gasland 2” exposes the fraud that is natural gas and particularly why congress seems to be blind to how it poisons communities. “Pandora’s Promise” just might change the way you think of nuclear power, and has me convinced it should be the energy of the future.
10. Don Jon…There are three great modern romances in the top ten list, and this one is all about how media perceptions and our own bullshit mythologies are tripping up millennial relationships. “Stud” Jon is heavily invested in his love of porn, but the “hot girl” (Scarlett Johannson) he dates is equally delusional in her love of romantic comedies and the fantasy of a man that will cater to her every whim. They’re happy playing types, but not as happy coming down from the ideals they’ve convinced themselves that they deserve.
9. and 8. American Hustle and The Wolf of Wall Street…Two great movies about schemers and dreamers, and the thin line between them. The lead characters in these movies are breathing portraits of the toll striving for the new American Dream (not just rich, filthy rich) can take on the psyche.
7. Before Midnight…Perhaps the most realistic movie ever made about a couple’s marriage, and the very final scene may be weary, but it’s also one of the most romantic and beautiful in modern romance.
6. 12 Years a Slave…It’ll probably be the slavery movie landmark from here on out.
5. This is the End…It’s the most laugh-out-loud funny comedy of the year and an innovative way to combine a buddy comedy with a rapture-fantasy and a way to look at each member of the cast (playing themselves) in a totally different way and very sincerely asking the question of whether or not these are bad people who deserve to go to heaven. It would be a crime to leave it off the list just because it features Danny McBride stealing every scene he’s in rather than Meryl Streep. In fact, it’s better because of that.
4. Inequality for All…If you only see one documentary about economics in your life (and you probably won’t), then make sure it’s this one. It lays out everything that Americans need to know (why fiscal conservatism doesn’t work, why mass income inequality is unsustainable for the world’s top economy, and exactly why it’s getting worse) if they don’t want the U.S. to lose its standard of living.
3. Her…Still in theaters so go see it now! A light meditation on modern relationships and how difficult they are to sustain. It scores all its heady points without ever getting too ponderous or stifling. A wide-open experience that will leave you with a lot to think about.
1. and 2. Gravity and All is Lost…Two spectacular movies about survival. “All is Lost” is number 2 and it is cinema at its most pure: just one man against the elements, no flashbacks, no hallucinations, and barely any dialogue, yet absolutely mesmerizing. I felt like I was watching the best Ernest Hemingway story he never wrote.
And then there’s Gravity, the actual number one film of the year. It is the only film I saw this year that I think absolutely needs to be seen in a theater. A remarkable theater experience that casts a completely immersive spell.