Helllllllllllo faithful readers, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you as there hasn’t been a new sex tip for almost three months (possibly longer as I’m lousy at counting and drunk more Saturdays than not) as I went into a football-induced hibernation. [And my sweet sacrifice alone is what allowed my beloved Alabama University, of which I have never stepped foot on, to win!] So I thought I’d do a (non) tip/recap today just about what I’ve been up to since.
End of October: Halloween. Got to first base with a girl dressed as Wonder Woman and fourth based with a woman dressed as Dale Earnhart Jr. I later found out she just generally looked that way, but who cares? Costume sex ain’t something Bubba’s gonna frown upon in a county where 95 percent of women think Halloween equals devil worship.
November: Drunk.
December: Drunk. Shitty weather
End of December: It’s Christmas time, Bubba’s favorite holiday and the favorite holiday of most people that don’t pretend oppression and starving yourself during Ramadan is as fun as Santa Claus and presents. Yeah, yeah, “Christmas is commercialized,” blah, blah, who gives a shit? Everything is commercialized. You think Valentine’s Day is an organic holiday? It was created by Nestle’s to get people to give up their “No chocolate” New Year’s Resolutions. St. Patrick’s Day? A Budweiser marketing ploy. 4th of July? Cooked up by country music singers and powerful fireworks cartels from China. I love Christmas whether I’m receiving (like this year’s gift of “The Best of Toby Keith,” a new mossberg pump shotgun of which I now have an even 15, and a 50 dollar gift card to Cracker Barrel) or giving (uhhh…I think I gave my nephew a roll of nickels, maybe they were dimes, quit judging me as it’s unchristian during Christmas!)
New Year’s Eve: It’s a little known fact that rednecks don’t really get into New Year’s. That’s more for city folk and New York City residents who pretend the new year will be different than the last one. People in Alabama know better.
New Year’s Day: Made Bubba’s official resolution list 1. Do not make resolutions as the world will end because of Mexican sorcery as the Mayans must have suspected we would kick out Mexicans by this time and punish us accordingly.
January 3rd: My well meaning but deeply, deeply wrong cousin (Alabama Liberal) drags me not only to the abominable New York City, but also to the Metropolitan Opera, where he surely must have known better. They put on some kind-of thing only described as “Humperdink’s Hansel and Gretel” and I put on a little show of my own by farting loudly at quiet moments. Midway through, I notice this isn’t having the desired effect of getting me kicked out, and my mind begins to suspect this whole thing is a staged indoctrination into brainwashing me gay. I can imagine the Opera being a great thing for old time homos wanting to break up their bullied lives by playing butt darts and singing, but this ain’t for Bubba.
January 9th: Finally, a truly great and wonderful event. My beloved Alabama Crimson Tide wins the National Championship Game for the second time in three years! Suck it ALL Barn! HAHAHAHAHA. This is an excellent victory that will keep Bubba going until this year’s football season. It will make deboning chickens at Tyson chicken plant bearable, my cold trailer livable, and the warm, generic beer that is all I can afford taste all the sweeter. Yep, football has been good to me and my miserable life, which is why I chose to exclusively care about it instead of making my life better.
Anyway, we’ll see you guys (hopefully) before St. Patrick’s Day. Although by then (hopefully) I will have another sex tip to share with you…and by that I mean I will have had sex with another woman and can tell you how I did…assuming it doesn’t involve payment or a legal gray area of alcohol.