As I mentioned way back as rule 1 of eating unhealthy: If something has more than a handful of words (think So&So’s bacon ranch chicken cheesy poppers) it almost definitely isn’t healthy. You don’t need more than that to say “Caesar” and “Salad” or even “sandwich.” So today brings Pizza Hut’s Ultimate Stuffed Crust Pizza, and it is perhaps the most unhealthy thing I’ve ever reviewed…and I went to an all you can eat buffet at KFC.
The “ultimate” part of this stuffed crust pizza—already having a crust filled with cheese—is that the crust isn’t just filled with cheese, it’s filled with meat. You can get them in two varieties: heart attack light with cheese and pepperoni crust. And heart attack heavy, the beast known only as “Meaty” which contains—in the crust alone—cheese, pepperoni, Italian sausage, and, on what the hell?, bacon. A standard Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust Pizza is 380 calories per slice, a SLICE, so you can only imagine what the calorie count is for this bitch. Not coincidentally, Pizza Hut has no nutritional information yet available for this behemoth.
While You’re Eating It: Greasy, oily, ready to puke…and then I open the lid.
After You’re Done: After eating an 8 slice pizza that is definitely more than 3200 calories, you just want to avoid people for a few months, walk off into the woods, lie down, and hibernate.
Impotence Level: I’ll let you know in three months when I wake from hibernation.
Heart Attack Level on a scale of 1 to 5: 5. It’s worth noting that this is the first to actually get a five. If you are pregnant, have a risk of stroke, or a heart condition, do not eat this pizza.
Horrible! Who would eat this?
That sounds like some mighty good goddamn eatin right there boy! Gimme 2 of dem and a 12 pack of beer to was that sumbitch down with and we’ll have ourselves a damn good time boy!
Great article. We are really getting fat in this country. We all need to listen to this article.