Today I review one of the most honored Southern traditions this side of college football: the Krispy Kreme Doughnut. Sure, they may not be as popular as they once were (thanks Dr. Atkins, you no-carb gobbling shit eel) but they still command a pretty large following among doughnut connoisseurs. Because, well, let’s be honest, Dunkin’ Doughnuts sucks. They may have twenty times the advertising budget that Krispy Kreme does but not half as much heart. They’re so busy slinging iced frappachino lattes and croissants and ice cream and even fucking sandwiches–their menu might as well be called “The Kitchen Sink” approach–that they just really aren’t all that interested in making freshly edible doughnuts that don’t taste like a brick stuffed inside a cement pouch. So anyway, Krispy Kreme…
As You’re Eating Them: While many people just like to go with the regular, plain glaze (and there’s certainly nothing wrong with them) I like to get an assorted dozen and really mix up different kinds. There’s bavarian creme stuffed (my least favorite but almost the only kind my family will touch), vanilla icing stuffed, apple cinnamon stuffed, chocolate covered, sometimes holiday flavored ones or other speciality kinds, and my personal favorites: Blueberry and pumpkin. While you’re eating these you’re transported to an earlier, simpler time when people didn’t feel guilty going through a drive-thru window to pick up a dozen doughnuts, didn’t feel guilty eating them, and gay people were still in the closet–wait, I don’t want to go back that far. Just far enough to scarf down crap without knowing it’s bad for you.
After You’re Done: Tired, bloated, sluggish, ready to take a nap but you can’t because you’re an hour’s drive from your house. Damn, why did they make such an unhealthy desert restaurant with a drive-thru window? It should be illegal that you don’t even have to waddle out of the car to pick up a dozen doughnuts. A sugar rush threatens to take my sanity away as it gets harder to see the cars in front of me or concentrate on much of anything besides scrapping the crumbs off the Krispy Kreme box that’s left.
Impotence Level: Not that high but it’s hard to say as you’ll have a hard time finding a woman to touch you for days after your Krispy Kreme encounter.
Heart Attack Level from 1 to 5: Depends. Did you eat one original glazed doughnut? Then you’re just at a 4. Did you eat one dozen assorted doughnuts each with enough calories for a daily intake but with no nutritional value of proteins, fiber, or nutrients? Call a paramedic.